


Complex Simplicity

by bubbleteamin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Awkward First Times, Bottom Lee Jeno, Canon Compliant, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hormones, Horny Teenagers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, NCT Dream Ensemble-centric, Sexual Tension, Smut, Top Na Jaemin, because teenagers, but just confused idiots, jeno tries to be clever but he's just in denial lol, they're all idiots really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-12-26 10:22:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 38,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18281114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubbleteamin/pseuds/bubbleteamin
Summary: It was all very simple; Jeno couldn’t be gay. He just couldn’t. He was an idol, a part of NCT, so it couldn’t even be a “what if”. There was no “if”, there was no “gay”. There couldn’t be. If he just kept telling himself that, living in his own little world, then he wouldn’t have to worry about himself being anything other than straight. It just didn’t exist. Simple.





	1. Just Hormones

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything on here in three years wow  
> Anyways, this fic contains explicit sexual content, but only regarding members who are of age. There's parts where they aren't of age in the actual story, so if that makes you uncomfortable, don't read. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!

_He’s leaning over the sink, and the mirror has never looked this odd before. He doesn’t recognise himself. His eyes look strange, his mouth just doesn’t feel right, he can’t process anything._

_He has always kind of known that there were gay people, of course there were, he just denied that they would ever appear in his life. That was a world so far away, never supposed to come this close. It couldn’t. And yet it has, and it’s all Donghyuck’s fault._

_His eyes still look strange, his breathing feels out of place, his sense of smell feels violated and his ears feel like they’re not supposed to be there in that moment, or moments ago, or at any time after Donghyuck had said those cursed words. He can’t face what it would mean, what it was implicating, because it would mean there are more gay people around him, and then he has always known, but also he hasn’t, or he didn’t want to know, he doesn’t-_

_Jeno splashes his face with ice cold water, so he can pretend like that’s the only reason his face is getting wet. He tries to steady his breathing, but then why is it even like that in the first place? Why is it all so heavy._

_A quiet knock on the bathroom door._

_“Jeno?” It’s Jaemin’s voice. It sounds different, it doesn’t sound right, it’s never sounded like that to him, even after all they have done. It couldn’t sound like that to him. “Can I come in?”_

_“What the fuck do you want?” His voice sounds strange, foreign. It can’t belong to him._

_“Jeno, please,” the voice sounds more vulnerable. It can’t be Jaemin, he isn’t like that, they aren’t like that, none of them are. They are men, they are idols, they just… it isn’t like that._

_He thinks back to the start, wonders where it had all gone wrong, when he had lost control._

 

“Mark, you don’t have to rub it in, man,” Donghyuck complained, looking like he was ready to attack.

“Hey! I just- all of you have never kissed anyone before?” Mark frowned, looking over at Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun and Donghyuck. “Like, for Chenle and Jisung, okay, but you four are sixteen..?”

They had all been sitting back at the dorm, late at night, talking about being teenagers and how hormones suck when you rarely see anyone outside of your school hours besides your bros. Jeno had brought up the topic, complained about how he hadn’t had his first kiss yet, despite being sixteen already, and how their recent debut wouldn’t help him get some any time soon. Apparently none of them had had their first kiss yet except for Mark, who had briefly dated a female trainee when he had first joined SM.

“Listen, I don’t think it’s that weird,” Renjun shrugged. “The thought of it seems pretty gross to me.”

Jeno noted how Jaemin wasn’t talking as much as usual, just sitting there, playing with his shoelaces.

“I just don’t know,” Jisung said, “I feel like the moment will come by itself?”

“Yeah, but you’re just saying that because you’re still young…” Donghyuck huffed, shaking his head.

“I’m only two years younger than you!”

“Guys,” Jeno sighed, “It’s just, I don’t know, I wonder what it’s like, you know? Kind of sad we won’t really get to find out any time soon.”  


“Your day will come, Jeno,” Mark said reassuringly. “Who knows, you might meet a cute noona backstage and it’ll just happen.”

“I guess…” Jeno looked around, sighing as the others continued talking.

Jeno was cleaning up in the kitchen when Jaemin came up to him. He didn’t know why it had been him, maybe because he had started the topic about first kisses, or because he was the only one in the kitchen and the others were off, either getting ready to study or sleep. Whatever it was, Jaemin was there, looking like he knew exactly what he was doing.

Jeno frowned. “Are you okay, Nana?”

“I’m fine.” The younger smiled tentatively. “I didn’t know the whole kissing thing bothered you that much, as well.”

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “You, too? You didn’t really complain just now.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t just talk to anyone about that stuff.” He didn’t sound nervous, his voice sounded firm, but Jeno could tell there was a hint of uncertainty somewhere hidden behind the confident facade. Something about the air told him to run, but he didn’t. He stayed, forcing himself to smile at the younger.

“You can talk to me if you want to. If you feel comfortable enough, of course.”

“Yeah…” Jaemin looked up, a gaze full of danger, full of mischief. “Actually, I have a radical idea.”

“Mhm?” Jeno gulped, his fight or flight instincts kicking in again, but he couldn’t move a single muscle as Jaemin’s eyes started lighting up, enticing him to stay.

Jaemin smiled. “If we just kiss each other, then we’ve done it.”

Silence.

Somehow, Jeno had seen it coming, and yet he couldn’t stop his body from freezing, couldn’t stop the blood from rushing to his ears. He didn’t panic, he just felt… confused? They weren’t gay, and you only kissed someone of the same sex if you were gay, so the idea seemed pretty ridiculous.

“We’re not gay, though?” Jeno noted, his mind desperately trying to rake up any possible reason for the younger to suggest such a thing. He blanked.

Jaemin’s smile faltered, but only for a single second. He shook his head quickly, his eyes losing some of their light but none of their mischief and confidence. “You don’t have to be gay to make out with another guy. Not if you’re a teenager with no other options.”

Jeno frowned and looked down at the sandwich he was making, not able to process everything that quickly. The idea was ridiculous, still, and yet the other sounded so convinced of himself, so sure of everything. Somehow, the look in Jaemin’s eyes was starting to make the idea seem more and more inviting. It was something Jaemin was good at, enchanting people with his eyes, putting on a smile and tone of voice that would make anyone do whatever he wanted. Jeno knew this, he knew the younger, and yet the idea didn’t become any less interesting.

“How does that work, then? I still think it’s pretty gay.” His voice was losing conviction. He was losing the battle before it had even begun.

“Oh, well, simple.” Jaemin started with a small smile, somewhat close to resembling a smirk. “We’re teenage boys, and we have hormones and pent up sexual frustrations and shit.” He took a step closer. “And we’re too busy to meet any girls, so if we don’t want to explode and pop out a spontaneous boner on stage because of all the neglected teenage frustration, our only option, really, is to make work with what we’ve got.” He took a step back again. “But that’s just my opinion.”

Jeno looked up, face twisting in confusion. “Right…”

_Simple._ The word rang in Jeno’s ears. Jaemin did make it sound very simple, very logical. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew that it probably didn’t really work like that, but who was he to know it for sure? And the thought of walking on stage with a boner made his bones rattle, more so than the thought of kissing Jaemin, so what option would be worse? It could be worth a try? His head was still yelling to abort mission quickly, to run, go go go, but Jeno took a step closer. It wouldn’t hurt anyone; he wasn’t gay. Jaemin wasn’t gay. they were just teenage idols. They had to do what they had to do.

“Sounds…” he took a deep breath, “Yeah, that makes sense, I guess.”

“Really?” Jaemin’s smile grew bigger, his eyes lighting up once more. “Soooo…” he looked down, hands behind his back as he shifted from foot to foot, “Can I…?”

“Uhm…” Okay, this time panic was definitely setting in. He was just now realising the weight of the whole thing, what the words were implying. It would mean that they would have had their first kiss with a guy, it would mean that they would have been so desperate that they had been willing to go there and deal with it for the rest of their lives.

But they weren’t gay, and they were lonely idols, so Jeno really didn’t see another option right now, not when Jaemin was looking him at him like that, grin taking over half of his face. Jeno shifted slightly. “I mean, sure, why not. I mean, we’re not gay, so it’s no big deal.”

Jaemin nodded curtly. “It really isn’t.”

Now it was Jaemin’s turn to freeze. Clearly he hadn’t thought this through, probably not even having expected to get this far. He coughed. “So I’m just gonna-”

“Yeah.

“Yeah…”

They looked at each other. Jeno didn’t realise he was looking at the younger’s lips until he saw a tongue dart out to wet them. He had never looked at them before, not like this. To be fair, they looked chapped, like they wouldn’t feel very great. Still, Jeno didn’t even think about stepping backwards when Jaemin stepped forwards, didn’t even think about turning his head away when Jaemin finally leaned in. His breath halted when Jaemin’s face right there, only a few millimeters away from his own. Jeno noticed the younger’s eyes had already been closed for a few seconds, so he should probably do the same.

He only registered lips touching his when they were already moving. For a few seconds, he just stood there, lips against his, not daring to move. When the other started pressing with more intent, he reckoned he should do something as well. It felt weird, and as the feeling got run through all the departments of his currently mushy brain, he realised Jaemin’s lips felt as dry as they looked. It didn’t do anything to stop Jeno’s curiosity though, and frankly, he didn’t want to pull away just yet. He didn’t know what was reeling him in even closer, but it wasn’t like he had any brain power left to fret about it, so he just went with the flow.

The flow eventually led to Jaemin’s tongue at his lips. His mind was getting better at registering things faster, so he gave himself a mental pat on the back when he felt his own mouth open up within seconds, just the tiniest bit. His brain was restoring its health, so he also heard the screaming voices more clearly now, the “ _oh my God, oh my God, what are you doing, oh my God, Jeno, you’re an idiot oh my God, this is Jaemin, your best friend oh my God, Jeno what the fuck, oh my God”,_ a chant that didn’t seem to stop, but that didn’t make him want to stop, either.

Apparently, all the chanting and kissing combined had made his brain overheat again, because suddenly his lips were no longer attached to Jaemin’s, and the younger was examining him with careful eyes.

“Are you okay?” The familiar voice spoke.

Jeno let out a sigh of relief. It was still Jaemin in front of him. Nothing had changed. They weren’t gay, they were just desperate teenage idols. He didn’t feel dirty, he didn’t feel disgusted, he felt okay.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m-” he smiled at the auburn haired boy in front of him, “it wasn’t that big of a deal, I don’t know why everyone makes it out to be.”

“Right?!” Jaemin exclaimed, chuckling with slightly over exaggerated disbelief, “It just felt, I don’t know, normal? And now we for sure won’t be frustrated, because we know what it’s like!” He saw the younger let out a heavy sigh of relief, shaking his head.

Jeno smiled. Something was borreling up in his chest, something that made him want to speak, to say a certain combination of words that would ultimately form a sentence, but he didn’t know what they were, and he didn’t want to find out if he had no control over them, so he just remained silent. He only muttered back a soft goodnight when the younger walked off, waving slightly.

He took a deep breath. He was alright. They were still the same, they weren’t suddenly gay, and they would never be.

So simple.

  
  


 

Jeno had to find out the hard way that Jaemin had been wrong months ago. Literally.

Only fifteen minutes before their first ever comeback stage, Donghyuck pointed at the raven haired boy’s pants, snickering slightly. “Dude, might wanna just quickly,” he made a lewd gesture with his hand, laughing even harder at the way the older went completely red.

Jeno looked down with wide eyes.

Sure, they were all boys, and they all knew what they were getting up to in their spare time (no pun intended), but having the younger point it out like that, right before their comeback stage… well, it didn’t really help with the stage fright, to say the least.

He made sure to thank Donghyuck before running off, awfully aware of all the eyes that were on him. He hoped it wasn’t too obvious.

When he locked himself in a random bathroom stall, he let out a shaky breath.

Jaemin wasn’t there with them because of his herniated disc, and Jeno hated it. He wanted to yell at him, cry that he had been wrong. Jeno felt his cheeks become wet and slammed his fist against the stall door. He cursed, quickly undoing his neat stage pants. He realised jacking off whilst crying was pretty pathetic, but he didn’t have any other choice right now. He cursed again, wiping at his eyes furiously.

While he was… getting rid of the issue, so to speak, Jaemin’s face popped up in his head, a very clear image of the last time he had seen him, and he made sure to make a mental note to never listen to the younger again right before he got to  his peak.

He managed to be back in time for the stage, thanking the lords that there were no visible signs of anything having happened. Still, he saw Mark look at him with a funny expression on his face, and he sighed as he realised Donghyuck had probably inquired him about the whole ordeal. Mark was their official-unofficial leader, after all.

“I’m fine, hyung.”

Mark nodded, going red. Jeno rolled his eyes as he was forced to become aware of Donghyuck’s presence once more, the younger really just not able to contain his childish giggles. “What are you, five?” Jeno snapped, about to flick his forehead when they were called on stage. Donghyuck winked his way, shooting a mocking kiss as they made their way out to face the public. Jeno had never wanted to strangle someone so bad in his entire life.

  


 

 

“Hey, how could I have known it wouldn’t work?! It was worth a shot!”

“Jaemin, oh my God, I really hate you sometimes,” Jeno snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose. That same night, instead of having gone back to the dorm with the others, he had convinced their manager to drop him off at Jaemin’s house. It was relatively easily done, as they didn’t have any schedules until 10am the next morning, a relatively peaceful start to what would soon morph into hectic and packed promotions.

“But wait, you really got a boner right before going on stage? Fuck, that’s kind of hilarious, you gotta admit,” the younger snorted, quickly pursing his lips when Jeno glared at him.

“Yeah, I was certainly dying of laughter, wow. My stage fright was so amused, man.”

Jaemin peered at him guilty, yet still slightly amused. “I’m sorry… But!” he continued quickly, “I watched you guys on stage, and nothing looked out of the ordinary, so don’t worry about it. You’re really a true professional, man.”

Jeno rolled his eyes, though he was unable to keep the proud grin off of his face. “Yeah, the performance went pretty well, if I do say so myself.”

Jaemin looked just as proud, even though his eyes flickered away from Jeno’s, a fairly present sadness in them. “I don’t want to take this moment away from you, but I… I wish I could’ve been there, too. They’re not sure when I’ll get to return, if I’ll ever get to return, so I’m just-” he ran a hand through his hair, uninvited tears filling his eyes, “I don’t know, I’m so happy for you, but I also just- Fuck,” he sniffled, cursing as he wiped at his eyes, “I’m being a fucking baby, I’m so selfish, sorry.”

More tears were escaping the younger’s eyes, and frankly, Jeno didn’t know what to do. He had never been good at comforting others, especially not when crying was involved. He shifted in his seat awkwardly, looking around for tissues before getting startled by a particularly loud sob. Now full-panic-Jeno mode had gotten activated. “Let me just, uhm,” he hurriedly looked around again, “I’ll get you a glass of water and some tissues, wait.”

He could breathe again as soon as the sniffles were out of ear’s range, but he still felt unnerved.

“Water, right, tissues- where-”

He ran around in confusion for a few seconds before snapping out of it and deciding the fridge was a good place to start looking for a water bottle.

Once all the necessary items had been collected, Jeno got himself ready to resume Mission Comfort Jaemin. It wasn’t like he was apathetic, because he felt just as burdened by the whole thing as the younger, guilty for going on stage without his best friend by his side, it was just that his heart couldn’t take seeing others cry. Despite what the fans might’ve thought, Jeno was quite sensitive to other people’s emotions. He couldn’t help that his chest carried a weak heart.

When he re-entered the room, he was relieved to see that Jaemin’s sobs had been reduced to mere sniffles. He handed him the glass of water and tissues, smiling in what he hoped was a comforting way. Jaemin took them with slightly quivering hands, croaking out a small “thank you” before blowing his nose. Jeno’s heart broke at the sight. He forced himself to suck it up and tentatively slung an arm around the younger’s shoulders, pulling him closer.

“It’s gonna be okay, I’m sure you’ll recover soon. I refuse to do all of this without you,” he tried, rubbing the younger’s shoulders.

“I didn’t mean to start crying,” Jaemin stammered out quickly, letting out a very nervous-sounding chuckle, “I know how uncomfortable that makes you. Please don’t feel guilty about doing any of this without me, okay?” Jaemin shot him a slightly tight smile, booping his nose to lighten the mood.

Jeno kept forgetting how well the other could read him, even though they hadn’t been friends for relatively long. It had always been like that, right from the start, right from that day they had both first arrived at SM around the same time.

Jaemin was right; the guilt had been eating him alive. He’d been having trouble sleeping, hadn’t been enjoying the preparations as much, and he felt lonely despite the others still being there.

Jeno looked up and saw the younger stare at him like that, eyes shining with unshed tears, making it look like they were sparkling. Somehow, they looked beautiful, Jeno noted. The moment was vulnerable, and Jeno’s mind couldn’t catch up with his heart.

Then he suddenly felt it again, the feeling of chapped lips against his own. He didn’t know if he’d been the one to initiate it, but his head was telling him it was okay either way, that they just needed to be distracted from it all.

If Jeno had been the one to initiate it, Jaemin sure as hell didn’t seem to mind, kissing back with a fervour that hadn’t been there the first time. He was grabbing tufts of Jeno’s hair, biting his lower lip, feeling the curves of his tiny waist. Their tongues were fighting for dominance, a battle quickly won by the younger, to Jeno’s dismay.

Jeno didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know why this was happening again after it clearly hadn’t helped them in any way, shape, or form the first time, but his mind was becoming foggy too care. It was different from the mushy brain feeling he’d experienced months prior, because now it was familiar territory, and now he could control it all more. At one point during the kiss, when their he heard himself let out a little whimper from the back of his throat, he stopped caring. The screaming in his head was becoming really damn annoying, so he told whoever it was to shut the fuck up, to let him _live_ for Christ’s sake. For the first time in his life he simply focussed on feeling, on being completely and utterly taken away from reality and all the problems and negative emotions that got carried with it. Kind of like meditating, but then with kissing your best friend. No romantic feelings attached, of course.

When Jaemin pulled away and started kissing the older’s neck, the meditation session was over.

Jeno’s eyes widened as he got snapped back into reality, which so happened to be his straight best friend’s hand was in hair, his lips on his neck, and-

“Oh my God, wait, what are we doing?!” Jeno pushed him away at the speed of light, leaving the younger to blink at him with darkened eyes before he seemed to snap out of some daze, as well.

“Uhm, I-” Jaemin frowned, looking like his head was working over hours, “It’s no big deal, no need to panic, no gay shit, it was just-”

“Distraction,” Jeno snapped out hurriedly, scooting away even further. He grabbed the glass of water that had been meant for Jaemin, taking a huge gulp.

“Right.” Jaemin confirmed, looking as wrecked as Jeno felt, breathing heavy and pupils blown out. The younger quickly shook his head. “We should just-”

“Maybe one simple kiss wasn’t enough.” The words were slipping out before he could think about them. Immediate regret filled his body. _Jeno, what the fuck are you doing?_

“What? What do you mean?” Jaemin asked carefully, head tilted and face puzzled. Jeno could see the younger had an inkling of where this was going.

Jeno gulped. “Like, for the pent up hormonal frustrations and negative emotions?” he sputtered out, voice full of disbelief at what he was implying.

He couldn’t believe he was continuing down this path, his tremulous voice continuing to fill his ears with every word he spoke, even though every cell in his body was telling him to retreat, to run away to a safe place where no one would ever find him.

Jaemin raised an eyebrow, eyes shining with something Jeno couldn’t quite place. “So, you’re suggesting we…?”

“Not, like, anything gay,” he stammered out with wide eyes, shaking his head hastily, “Just, maybe,” he fumbled with his fingers, “You know, like… more kissing…? More… often?” He swallowed hard.  “Just, like, for science of course.”

Jaemin’s eyes filled with strong emotions Jeno didn’t recognise, but only for a split second. “For science…” He seemed to hesitate. “Yeah, sure, why not? To fight stage boners or something, I guess.”

“Right.”

It was silent for a few seconds, neither of them looking up from their hands until Jeno let out a nervous cough.

Their eyes met, and that was all it took for their lips to be smashed together again.

Hands were roaming each other’s bodies, clawing at each other’s shirts like the fabric annoyed them. They wasted no time in opening their mouths, tongues fighting for dominance once more. Jeno fought hard, but Jaemin won again, pushing the other to lie down on the bed they had been sitting on, crawling on top of the older.

Jeno felt all of his senses explode with just Jaemin, his mind completely turning off without him even having to put in any effort. He let his hands roam the back of Jaemin’s shirt, making sure to not do anything to hurt the other’s already fragile spine.

Jaemin’s hands were in his hair, on his jaw, on his chest, everywhere. Jeno wondered if the younger had started using lip balm or if they had just gotten softer from all of the kissing, but whatever it was, they felt even better than just mere minutes ago. Maybe it was because there was absolutely no hint of shame behind them this time, no hesitant movements, no hyper aware thoughts suddenly popping up, both of them kissing without restraint because they had voiced it was alright, that it was just an experiment.

Jeno moaned, the younger’s hands moving under his shirt.

Simple.

  
  


 

Ever since that moment, Jeno’s internal screaming had become less and less. They had decided that in order to keep the frustrations away and to keep them distracted from the unfortunate situation Jaemin was in, they needed to get a dose of “make out medicine” regularly to rid of all the negative emotions, despite the fact that it seemed to work more like an addictive drug than a cure, letting them build up a tolerance to it and then needing _more_.

So, throughout Jaemin’s resting period and Jeno’s My First And Last and We Young promotions, they had made sure to have moments where the others weren’t around, most often at Jaemin’s place.

They never went further than just making out, with this day probably being the spiciest it had ever gotten. Jeno had just finished another schedule in the sweltering Korean summer heat and had used it as an excuse to get the both of them as naked as possible, leaving them in just their boxers. Jaemin hadn’t tried to stop him, feeling particularly excited after just having gotten the news that he would return to NCT the following year.

But that’s the thing; the makeout session hadn’t come from a place of negative emotions this time. They had been elated, so relieved and excited, and yet somehow, they had ended up making out.

Normally, Jeno would’ve stressed out about that, but at this point he was too far into the web of delusions to even think about it twice. Besides, his head was lying on Jaemin’s bare chest, and it felt oddly comforting, so he wasn’t gonna complain.

“Did you hear that Donghyuck and Mark hyung are fighting again?” Jeno asked, looking up at his best friend.

“No, but I saw the pictures from the airport,” Jaemin snickered, shaking his head in amusement as he combed his fingers through Jeno’s bleach blonde locks. “Do you know what they’re bickering about this time?”

Jeno shook his head, for as far as that was possible in their position. “They won’t tell anyone, not even the hyungs. It’s kind of annoying, to be honest.”

“Yikes, should I just not move back into the dorm next month, then?”

“Don’t say that. Please come back,” Jeno pouted, “Besides, we need the extra support for whenever they come over to stay at ours instead of the 127 dorm. And!” Jaemin’s eyes lit up with amusement as the older continued, “Knowing them, they will have probably stopped fighting by then.”

Jaemin looked at him, grinning. “I was just joking, you idiot. You know I’m dying to move back in with all of you. I’m so happy.” He nuzzled his nose into Jeno’s hair, scrunching it in disgust upon contact. “God, your hair feels like hay. It’s completely deceased.”

“I know,” Jeno groaned, running his hands down his face with frustration, “The hairdresser noonas were already talking about cutting most of it off. Fuck, it’s gonna look so ugly…”

“Well, it looks good now, so don’t fuss. I thought Mr. Idol had more confidence than this,” he teased.

Jeno frowned. “Thanks? I guess? You could’ve left that snarky comment out at the end, but other than that.” Jeno shrugged, smiling as he somehow successfully forced a blush back down. They didn’t do compliments that made each other blush. That was a bit too gay, probably, very dangerous territory.

They lay in silence for a while, Jeno tracing one of the hickeys he had left on the other’s stomach. He thought back to a week ago, when he hadn’t seen Jaemin in a while, so he had watched a cute video the younger had sent of himself in their group chat. He thought back to how, once again, that had been another night to prove that whatever they were doing, it wasn’t working in favour of fighting their frustrations. Not in Jeno’s case, at least. Maybe it was only worsening it, or maybe seeing Jaemin’s face flash in front of his eyes every time he was about to bust a nut was all just part of the ultimate cure. He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to think about it. But he also kinda did. It made him curious to know if Jaemin was experiencing the same… side-effects?

He trailed his fingers over the younger’s stomach, no longer painted with abs from all the resting, but still just as skinny. “Jaemin?”

“Hmm?” He heard the other hum tiredly.

Jeno hesitated. “Is all of this stuff working for you?”

Jaemin sighed, eyes closed. “Jeno, what happened this time?”

“Nothing!” Jeno shot back quickly before quieting his voice. “I just… do you still get… you know…?”

“For me it’s a good distraction, so that’s working.”

“Yeah but,” Jeno pressed, his nails digging down into a particularly dark spot, causing the younger to hiss lightly, “How’s, you know, being a teenager? Hormones?”

Jaemin fought to keep the smile off of his face. “Ah, so you got a boner again?” he snorted, “Oh my God, sorry, but if it was _on_ stage this time I’m probably gonna fucking die from-”

Jeno slapped his chest. “Stop! It wasn’t on stage or before stage or anything to do with the stage, it was just… back at the dorm.”

Jaemin looked at him in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? That’s why you’re worried?” He rolled his eyes. “Dude, everyone gets boners at home, even when you’re no longer a teenager.”

“I…“ Jeno didn’t want to tell him that that wasn’t all there was to it, but his curiosity got the best of him. “But, I mean, is it normal - because of what we’re doing, of course - to just, like, see your face when I… you know…”

Jaemin’s grin grew even bigger, taking up half of his face as amusement danced in his eyes. “Oh my God, you think of me while jacking off?” He laughed loudly, making Jeno’s head move with the pattern of his lungs. “That’s fucking amazing, holy shit.”

Jeno groaned, burying his face in the younger’s chest as he turned completely red. “Fuck you, man, I should’ve never said anything.”

Jaemin laughed some more, eventually letting his face settle on a small smile. “Hey, Jeno.” He poked his visible cheek, softly blowing on his hair. “Jeno, look at me.”

It took a few seconds for Jeno to raise his head, glaring the younger with annoyance fuming in his eyes. Jaemin craned his neck to kiss his frown.

“It’s okay. It’s normal, I think.” He booped Jeno’s nose, a habit that he just hadn’t seemed to get rid of since the first time he’d done it. Jeno wanted to snap at the younger, but he noticed he looked nervous. Jaemin just shot him a cheeky smile. “It happens to me, too.”

“Oh,” Jeno nodded, looking down again. “Okay.”

So it was normal, it was fine, because Jaemin still liked girls, and so Jeno still liked girls, and everyone was alright. No one was hurt, no one was doing anything out of place, they just… thought like that sometimes. Okay.

He tried not to hyperventilate over the idea that Jaemin thought about him like _that_ , when he was doing… _that_.

They lay in a peaceful silence for a bit, Jaemin playing with Jeno’s hair and Jeno drawing patterns on Jaemin’s chest.

“Hey Jeno?”

“Hmm?”

Silence.

Jeno looked up with big eyes.

Jaemin coughed. “If you ever want to…” He hesitated, eyes losing their confidence as they shifted to a different part of the room. “I don’t know…”

“Hmm?”

Jaemin sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Nevermind. Let’s nap, I’m tired.”

Jeno looked back down. “Okay.”

 

 

 

 

“Welcome back!!” Jeno, Renjun, Chenle and Jisung shouted simultaneously, watching a glowing Jaemin enter the dorm with packed bags. Jeno and Renjun were immediately at his side to help the raven haired boy get his stuff to his room. When the three of them got back, Chenle and Jisung approached their hyung with a cake they had definitely made themselves and definitely _not_ bought from the cheapest place they could’ve possibly found.

“Guys, really? Cake? You’re too much,” Jaemin snorted, setting it aside to hug them both. Jeno watched them fondly. Chenle might not have lived at the dorm anymore, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t be there to celebrate with all of them.

“I can’t believe they got you a room all for yourself. It’s unfair when I have to share with these pigs,” Renjun complained, gesturing to Jeno and Jisung.

Jeno punched his arm. “Hey, don’t involve me in this! It’s all Jisung!”

Renjun just rolled his eyes before shooting Jaemin a big smile. “Anyways, glad to have you back, man.” He hugged the younger boy briefly. “I’ll start cooking dinner, but don’t don’t get used to it! I’m not your unpaid chef.” He patted his shoulder before walking off, pulling a protesting Chenle and Jisung along with him.

Jeno smiled at Jaemin. “I’m so happy you’re finally back here.”

Jaemin returned it. “Yeah, me too.” He looked around the dorm in awe. “I mean, I’ve been here plenty of times, but now I get to call it home again, and that feels so weird.” Jeno watched him walk over to the cake. Jaemin looked up in amusement. “Whose idea was this?”

“Chenle’s,” Jeno chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t think he’ll ever stop being cute, no matter how old he gets.”

“God, don’t talk about the babies getting older, please,” Jaemin groaned. “Jisung is still eleven in my head.” He let out a fake sob and Jeno laughed, his eyes turning into small crescents as he watched the younger go on about how small Jisung used to be, how he was all grown up now and how there should be laws against that.

“Nana, he’s fifteen, he still has a few years to go.”

“Yeah, a few years until the big bad world will corrupt him forever by daring to call him an adult, you mean!”

Jeno smiled, looking down. He shifted from foot to foot. The air between them wasn’t necessarily tense, there just seemed to be some unspoken words floating around. Then again, he didn’t know if the words really needed to be spoken in the first place.

Right when Jaemin opened his mouth to say something, Jisung walked back in, nibbling on some baby carrots. He waved. “I’ve been banned from the kitchen and told to wait here until Mark and Donghyuck arrive,” he mumbled with his mouth full.

“Wait, they’re coming too? Why?” Jaemin asked, but he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face.

“I’m more worried about what he did to get kicked out of the kitchen,” Jeno snickered.

Jisung shrugged. “I didn’t wash my hands and then turned on the rice cooker.” Jeno and Jaemin looked at him in confusion. “Without putting in water,” he added sheepishly, rubbing his neck. Jaemin rolled his eyes whilst Jeno facepalmed. “Hey!” Jisung exclaimed defensively, “Renjun told me to add rice and then turn it on!”

“You’re a real idiot sometimes,” Jaemin sighed, already imagining the complete stress on Renjun’s face with someone like Jisung prancing around the kitchen, probably knocking everything over as well.

“I’m still young, I’m not supposed to worry about cooking,” Jisung muttered, throwing himself down on the couch. He eyed the cake. “Can we have a piece already.”

Jeno’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, that’s a good-“

“No, if you eat it now you won’t be hungry for dinner. We’re saving it for dessert,” Jaemin quickly intervened. Jisung rolled his eyes, grumbling something under his breath about Jaemin being the real no fun member as he turned on the TV.

Mere seconds later, the front door opened, an excited Donghyuck hopping through it with a little bit less excited but still joyful looking Mark shuffling behind him. “The party has started!” the younger of the two announced, smiling fabulously. He immediately bolted towards Jaemin, squeezing him in a tight hug. “I can’t believe your ass is finally back, man!”

“Ow! Not in my ear!” Jaemin yelped, pulling away to see Donghyuck grinning without an ounce of remorse. Said boy pressed a big, wet kiss to the younger’s cheek before hopping off towards the kitchen.

Jeno saw Jaemin wipe his cheek in mock disgust and then quickly go over to bro-hug Mark. He wondered if Jaemin ever wiped his cheek after _he_ kissed his cheek. Jeno frowned, trying to shake the thought off, to not let the small gesture get to him, but something about it was making his head spin. He suddenly felt a bit nauseous, the urge to leave taking over his entire body.

“I’m just gonna-” he started, but nobody was listening. He watched Jaemin excitedly chat to Mark about his solo room, watched Jisung stare at the TV with little interest, and so Jeno ran out.

He ended up in the bathroom, immediately bending over the sink, his hands gripping the porcelain so tightly it might as well have broken. He didn’t know why this was happening, why he felt like he was gonna suffocate, but he couldn’t do anything but squeeze his eyes shut and try to calm his breathing down. Eventually he turned on the tap, splashing his face and looking up. His reflection looked slightly off, but it was still him, and he repeated over and over to himself that everything was alright, at first just in his head, but then eventually hearing his own voice bounce off the bathroom walls.

He must’ve stayed there for at least fifteen minutes before a knock rang through the room. “Jeno? Are you alright? I had to tell you dinner is ready.” It was Jaemin’s voice, sounding so soft and sweet and just _pure_. It was soothing, comforting for some reason.

“Yeah, I’m fine!” he yelled, clearing his throat. “I’ll be out in a second!”

“Okay.” Footsteps started walking away from him. He heard them halt for a second before they were moving again.

Jeno just sighed, slapping his cheek briefly. “Get it together, you fucking baby.”

He joined the others at the dinner table, a variety of Korean and Chinese dishes scattered all over. “Oh, looks delicious!” Jeno beamed with a little bit too much enthusiasm, wasting no time in scooping up some rice and carelessly flopping it on his plate.

“Hey!” Renjun slapped his hand, “Let our Jaemin go first! It’s not your feast!”

Jeno tsked, switching his plate with Jaemin’s anyways. “There, I was just getting it for Jaemin, of course!” He glared at Renjun and scooped up some more, throwing all of it onto now-Jaemin’s plate.

“Jeno, Jeno, Jeno, that’s enough, stop!” Jaemin shrieked, laughing nervously as the pile on his plate stacked up higher and higher.

Jeno looked at him sheepishly, blushing as he scooped some of it over to his own plate. “Sorry.”

Mark watched them with a frown, but thankfully didn’t comment on anything. The air felt thick in Jeno’s lungs as all of them went to grab food for themselves. He remained pretty quiet throughout the rest of the meal, the others blabbering on about everything and nothing, complementing Renjun’s cooking every now and then. (Donghyuck protested whenever that happened, saying that he had done his fair share too as soon as he had arrived.)

Jeno picked at his food, looking down. He didn’t know why he was feeling so gloomy all of the sudden. Maybe everything was just a bit too much, a bit too exciting and a bit too nerve wracking. Jaemin was moving back in, and that was great, but it also meant that he would be around the other more, even in… certain situations. The thought of what could happen scared him to death. But then again, maybe the frustration would lessen and that wouldn’t happen, considering he would see the other walking around more often and less tension would build up. He frowned, wondering when the frustration had become so related to Jaemin in the first place. That didn’t sit very well with him, didn’t sound right. _It’s okay_ , he forced himself to repeat once more. _Simple._

He felt eyes burning on the side of his face. He tilted his head, only to see Jaemin looking at him with concern in his eyes. Jeno just shot him a small, reassuring smile. The younger frowned, still not looking very convinced, but he continued eating anyways, leaving the other be.

After dinner, Jeno and Mark were put in charge of doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, the others off to sit in the living room. Jeno filled up a small tub with hot water and squirted in some soap whilst Mark stored away some stray ingredients still lying around. It was done in silence, an everything but comfortable one. Jeno didn’t know why that was, considering him and Mark weren’t on bad or awkward terms or whatever.

Mark seemed to feel the same way as he cleared his throat. “So, Jaemin’s finally back here, huh?”

Jeno nodded slightly, looking up at Mark with a forced smile. “Yeah, it’s really great. I can’t wait for our next comeback with him.”

“He wasn’t gonna be part of our Christmas station, right? Only that Empathy project or whatever?” Mark continued, fighting to keep the conversation comfortable and casual, but only making it sound more forced because of the obvious effort he had to put in.

“Yeah, but that’s fine. We’ll have him here for Empathy, and the fact that he’s back here is already more than I could’ve ever wished for.” He tried not to cringe at his own words and how mushy they sounded.

Mark seemed to notice as well and cleared his throat. “Are you and Jaemin okay?”

Jeno looked up, frowning. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I just-” Mark shrugged, “There was some sort of tension between you two during dinner.”

Jeno let out a very fake sounding laugh, his eyes becoming slits to make it look a bit more convincing. “There was? I didn’t notice. It was probably nothing.”

Mark nodded slowly, putting some plates in the tub and getting a dish brush out of one of the cabinets. “Are you gonna wash them or dry them off?”

  


 

 

The rest of the night went by fairly quickly. Whatever tension there had been seemed to lessen as soon as the cake got brought out. They played some board games and got some fake champagne to drink from fancy glasses. (Donghyuck had apparently smuggled in real champagne and had poured it in everyone’s glasses but Chenle and Jisung’s) Eventually, they just ended up watching a movie until Chenle’s mother came to pick him up and Renjun decided that the youngest should go to sleep, as well.

“But you guys are underage, too, so why do you get to stay up!” Jisung protested as soon as Chenle had left.

“Because we’re still at least two years older than you,” Renjun replied firmly, ushering the younger boy towards the bathroom. “Don’t make me tuck you in, you big baby.”

Jeno watched them in amusement, feeling a bit dizzy from the champagne already. They had smuggled in alcohol once before, but then once it had been in front of them they had gotten too scared to get properly wrecked, so over time they had only drunk a little bit at a time, whenever they had felt a bit more rebellious. Now, with the We Young promotions just having ended and them all having become a little bit older, they had loosened up to the idea of getting drunk. They found out that Jeno had a very low alcohol tolerance, and Jaemin noted it was probably because he was quite sensitive to a lot of things, but Jeno didn’t like it. He wanted to have a high alcohol tolerance, wanted to be able to drink like Jaehyun hyung, wanted to feel more like a man because somehow he was always left to feel weak unless he was in front of the fans.

“Okay, fuck this, I‘m not gonna wait for Renjun,” Donghyuck muttered, turning the movie back on. “There’s only thirty minutes left, anyways,” is what he reasoned with. Mark just ignored him and poured in more champagne for everyone, smiling at Jeno when the other blinked at him dumbly.

“Maybe you want some without alcohol?”

Jeno huffed. “No, ’m not a fucking girl.”

“Wow, okay then, Mr. Sexist,” he heard Donghyuck mumble, eyes still fixed on the screen as a dude was shooting up a group of bad guys, shit blowing up all around him.

Mark nodded and remained silent, handing the glass over to Jeno. Said boy gulped it down in one go.

“Woah, woah!” Jaemin yelped, quickly taking the glass from his hands with worried eyes. “Slow down there, mister. We have all night, remember.”

_All night._ Thoughts rumbled through his head, everything a bit foggy. All night for what?

“For us to just hang out together, have fun,” Jaemin replied steadily.

Oh, he had said that out loud?

Jeno licked his lips. “Hang out together and have fun, yeah?”

“Yeah, all of us together,” Jaemin added quickly, shooting him a stern look. Mark’s eyes flickered between them.

“This sounds fucking weird when you’re not looking,” Donghyuck snorted, taking a sip of champagne. “Or maybe it’s the alcohol, I don’t know.” He eyed it curiously. “Whatever, but Jeno, maybe you should just-” he made a ‘lie low’ gesture with his hands, not once looking over.

Jeno was about to protest again when Renjun reentered the room, looking between all of them with a sigh. “Guys, you can cut the tension with a knife in here. Jaemin is back, let’s just have fun and have some more cake, finish the- Hey! What the fuck, why did you press play already?! Donghyuck, I swear to-”

The two bickered on for a bit, Renjun insisting to rewind it and Donghyuck insisting to just let it be because he hadn’t missed much. Jeno ignored them, his eyes slightly unfocused as he saw Jaemin frown, head hanging low. Mark got up and came back with more slices of cake for everyone, hoping the sweet goodness would lift the mood a bit. Thankfully, it worked, and they managed to finish watching the movie in a slightly more comfortable silence, comments about how stupid the characters were filling the air every now and then. By the looks of it, Mark and Donghyuck were planning on spending the night at this dorm instead of the 127 one.

They two had made up not too long ago, and now they were acting like best buds again, like nothing had ever happened. Nobody had ended up finding out what had been the reason of their fight, but by the looks of it, they didn’t plan on telling anyone soon, so everyone just let it go.

After another glass of champagne, Jeno felt seriously out of it. He could still think, but his thoughts were jumbled and unclear, not really going anywhere. The others were finally getting a bit drunk as well, Donghyuck definitely edging more towards being _drunk_ drunk, together with Jeno.

“’re such bad boys,” Donghyuck slurred, hiccuping. “Look at us, a bunch of underage idols drinking. If only the public found out, oohoohoooo! That would be _bad, really, really bad_!” He laughed obnoxiously, letting out a ‘hee-hee’ that was a bit louder than he had intended before burping. Jeno giggled, not really registering anything until seconds after. Mark went over to ruffle the redhead’s hair.

“God, all of you guys’ hair has been bleached to death, except for mine and Jaemin’s,” he commented, scrunching up his nose.

“Idol life, baby!”

Jeno looked at all of them, trying to observe their kind of drunkenness with whatever brain power he had left. He himself was a bit of a confused and emotional drunk, that much he could tell as he kept laughing at anything and then frowning at nothing in particular the next second. He saw Donghyuck clinging onto Mark’s arm, trying to kiss his cheek, so he was definitely a goofy and affectionate drunk, nothing really out of the ordinary there except that now it was even more amplified. Mark didn’t look too fazed by Donghyuck’s antics next to him, so it seemed that alcohol thankfully loosened the boy up a bit. His eyes then moved to Renjun, the older definitely looking a bit drowsy with his head rested against the back of the couch, so Jeno concluded that he was more of a sleepy drunk.

When his eyes landed on Jaemin, he frowned. The younger didn’t really look like anything, just… attractive, maybe even a bit more attractive than usual. He was glowing, a tipsy blush covering his cheek and neck, and his eyes were big and bright, sparkling almost as he looked at- oh, he was looking back at him.

“You still with us, Jeno?” Jaemin laughed, waving a hand in front of his face.

“What? Yeah!”

“Then answer, you drunk idiot!” Donghyuck snapped. “Truth or dare?”

Oh, they were playing truth or dare now? When did that happen?

“Uhm, truth.”

He heard Donghyuck say something about him being no fun as always, before a question landed in his ears. “Still haven’t kissed someone? Actually, wait!” Donghyuck hiccuped. “All of you answer this, ‘m curious! I expect spicy updates! Jeno first, though.”

“Uhm…” He thought about it… Wait, what was it? Oh, right, kissing, the thing he and Jaemin did. So yeah, he had kissed before. “Yeah, I have kissed before,” he managed to croak out, probably barely comprehensible.

“Yeahahaha! Our dude Jeno, you beast! Who was she? That one chick from school you were pining after once?” Donghyuck tried to pour himself some more champagne, but Mark took the bottle from his hands, causing him to frown.

Jeno glanced at Jaemin subconsciously. “Summin’ like that.”

Mark quietly took a sip of the water he had just gotten himself, eyes narrowing.

“Okay, next! Jaemin-aaaah!” Donghyuck scooted closer to him. “Everyone loves you, so shoot! You must’ve gotten some! Dude or... not dude?”

Mark put down his glass and leaned back, gaze still focussed on Jeno.

“Yeah, I have,” Jaemin replied, shrugging. “How about you, Hyuckie?” he shot back, quickly diverting the attention away from himself.

“No,” he sighed dramatically, “It’s rough finding someone to kiss, everyone is so ugly these days.”

Renjun snorted. “Isn’t it the other way around?” Donghyuck glared and launched a pillow at him, making the other laugh even more.

“Yeah? Tell me about _your_ kissing adventures, then!”

“Don’t have any, don’t want any, I’m fine with how things are,” he shrugged, stealing Mark’s water.

“The fuck kind of bullshit-” Donghyuck threw another pillow. “You just can’t find anyone cuz, cuz,” he burped, “so ugly, man!” Renjun rolled his eyes, taking a huge gulp of the clear liquid. Donghyuck’s eyebrows suddenly shot up. “Wait, so Jeno and Jaemin are the only new ones to actually get some action?! That’s so unfair!”

“Why is it unfair?” Mark asked, joining the conversation as he opened a bag of chips.

“It wasn’t your turn to ask questions yet, baby~” Donghyuck slurred, moving closer and nuzzling his face in the older’s neck. His eyes lit up with a new idea. “Omg, _you_ should just kiss me!” He turned to Jeno, who froze at the younger’s words. “Jeno, is’ your turn! Dare him to kiss me so I won’t be a loser like Renjun!”

“What the fuck? But I’m a dude! Do I have a say in this?!” Mark shrieked, looking around panickedly.

“No, so be quiet and let Jeno do the Jeno thing, do the- the-” Donghyuck frowned. “Whatever, Jeno! Shoot!”

“Wha…” Jeno’s mind really wasn’t keeping up with anything, his vision becoming blurrier and blurrier by the second. Donghyuck wanted him to..? Wait, was he supposed to kiss him or was Mark?

Mark noticed and stepped in, turning to Donghyuck again. “You don’t want to have your first kiss with me, Hyuck, don’t be stupid. I’m not gay.”

Jaemin’s head was hanging low again, focused on playing with some loose threads of his jeans.

“I don’t care who it is! You’re just a pussy cuz ’re masculinity is so fragile that you don’ even dare to kiss a guy!” Donghyuck moved to lean in with puckered lips.

Mark put his hand up against them. “No fragile masculinity, you just don’t kiss dudes unless you’re gay. I’m not gay, Hyuck,” Mark snapped.

“Guys, what the fuck even is going on?” Renjun yawned, closing his eyes. “You’re all fucking weird, I’m going to sleep.”

“Wait, no! You gotta see me kiss Mark or else it didn’t happen!”

Jeno he felt nauseous again, and not from the alcohol.

“Hyuck, stop! I’m not gonna kiss you! It’s fucking gay!”

Jaemin suddenly shot up, dashing out of the room. Jeno started feeling more and more like everything was off, like nothing was right. He didn’t know what was going on, he just didn’t know anything, nothing was working in his head. His head was telling him to go after him, so he got up and did. He could feel Mark’s burning gaze on him the entire time, words being yelled from Donghyuck’s mouth, but their meaning didn’t register in Jeno’s head. He went into Jaemin’s room with tears in his eyes. He didn’t know why he was crying, just something typical for an emotional drunk, he reckoned.

Jaemin was pacing around the room, hands in his hair. His eyes shot up when he noticed someone had entered the room, and Jeno tried to softly close the door behind him, not bothering to wipe his eyes. The tears weren’t falling yet, and if they were, he was too out of it to notice anyways.

“Nana-”

But Jaemin dashed towards him before he could finish, aggressively connecting their lips. Jeno’s eyes shot open, his head trying to make sense of what was going, but then he gave up and let them close, kissing back with just as much vigour, acting on pure instinct. Jaemin wasted no time in forcing the other’s mouth open with his tongue, pulling them towards the bed. Suddenly, Jeno no longer felt lips on it as he was pushed down roughly, bouncing off the mattress before Jaemin was on top of him again, kissing down his neck. Jeno let out a loud moan as the other sucked on a sensitive spot, his filter completely broken from all of the alcohol running through his veins.

“Jaemin…” he gasped, the other moving back up to reconnect their lips. Jeno’s hands pawed at the front of the younger’s shirt, feeling one of Jaemin’s hands slide down his body to the hem of his own. Jaemin started bunching it up, moving to feel all over the older’s chest. Jeno’s hands moved to grip at Jaemin’s hair, letting out small, fragile sounding moans. Jaemin pulled away, pulling his own shirt over his head before moving to do the same to Jeno. The older let him, raising his back from the mattress to make it easier. Once it was off, Jaemin dove down to suck at his collar bones, one hand feeling him up everywhere it could reach, eventually ending up at one of Jeno’s nipples.

“Fuck, Jaemin- Ah, fuck…”

He was a mess, his spinning head only making the whole thing feel even more wicked. He didn’t care, they didn’t care. They were both drunk, both out of it, and Jeno loved it. He wanted more, he needed more, he was ready for more. He felt the younger undo his pants, and his breathing became heavier.

But then Jaemin pulled away just as he was kissing down his stomach, resting his forehead on Jeno’s lower abs. Sounds were coming from the younger, and Jeno thought they sounded pretty weird for moans until he realised that was because they weren’t. His chest was getting wet, and it wasn’t from Jaemin’s mouth.

“Jaemin?”

At the sound of his name, the younger started sobbing for real, his chest heaving with heartbreaking sounds coming from the back of his throat. Jeno didn’t know what to do, so he just sat there dumbly, letting Jaemin cling onto him, hug his torso. He wanted to do something, to say something, but the words couldn’t form in this state.

Suddenly, he felt incredibly sick, the pressure from Jaemin’s head on his stomach not helping. He hastily pushed Jaemin away, shooting up and bolting out of the room. He bent over the toilet, bile rising up his throat as he emptied contents of his stomach. His mind was hazy, feeling like he was gonna faint any second now. It kept coming and coming, and eventually he noticed there was someone behind him, rubbing his back, saying words he couldn’t understand.

Eventually the vomiting stopped, but he still felt like he was either gonna die or already dead. He slumped down on the bathroom tiles, head still spinning, but already feeling a lot more sober. A glass of water suddenly appeared in front of him. He looked at the glass, followed the hand, which led to an arm, which led to Mark’s face.

He saw the other shoot him a small smile. “Here, drink it.”

Jeno accepted the glass, his hand shaking slightly. He took a tentative sip, the liquid burning down his wrecked throat. Mark patted his head, remaining silent until Jeno had finished the entire glass.

“Are you feeling a bit better?”

Jeno nodded slowly, but in reality he was still a fucking mess, both mentally and physically. “Is Jaemin…?”

“I don’t know, Renjun went to check on him when you ran out of the bedroom. Donghyuck was already passed out on the floor by then, so he should be asleep until his hangover will overpower the will to sleep,” Mark noted, sitting down on the floor next to the younger. “Do you… Do you want to maybe, like… talk?” he forced out awkwardly.

“There is nothing to talk about,” Jeno whispered, letting his head fall back against the wall and closing his eyes. He hoped his hyung wouldn’t press any furth-

“There’s a hickey on your… everywhere?” He coughed. “And you’re shirtless?”

“It’s not what you think it is,” Jeno mumbled lazily, his eyes drooping closed as the the urge to sleep overwhelmed him. “I’m not… We’re not…”

“Okay, let’s get you to bed, yeah?” Mark pulled Jeno up with him. “Do you think you can brush your teeth?” Jeno shook his head before it started lulling from side to side. Mark nodded and guided Jeno towards his room, shuffling at a snail-like pace.

“How’s… Jaemin… Is he…”

Mark pulled them to a halt, hesitating. “Do you want to go to his room?”

Jeno mindlessly nodded, his eyes falling shut every few seconds as they were focused on the ground beneath him. And so Mark led him towards the younger’s room instead. He heard his hyung knock on the door before they stumbled inside. When Jeno looked up, he saw Jaemin lying on the bed in a large t-shirt, fast asleep. Renjun was sitting beside him, smiling weakly when he noticed their presence.

“How’s Jaemin?” Mark’s voice asked.

“He’s alright, I think. He was already like this when I came in.”

“I’m just gonna leave you, then.”

“Yeah, Jeno? Do you want to…”

But the words no longer registered in his head. He went limp in Mark’s arms, sleep finally taking over.

 

 

 

 

A week later, and there was still tension in the air. It wasn’t like people weren’t talking to each other anymore or anything, it was just all very… forced and unnatural. The conversations that needed to be held weren’t being held.

A month later, and everyone had basically forgotten about it. Or maybe just gotten good at pretending, whatever. The only talk they had all had was that whatever had happened that night, it hadn’t really counted as reality because they had been drunk. That was the option that had made Mark seem most comfortable with all that had probably traumatised him severely.

As for Jeno and Jaemin, they were fine, oddly enough. But they hadn’t talked about it, and so despite the fact that Jaemin had moved back in, they hadn’t made out since, too scared of what had nearly happened. They both had zero black spots in their memories, so they were fully aware of the near hunger-like desire that had taken over in their drunken states, and even though they were sober now, it had still happened.

For some reason, Mark had gotten even more absorbed by Christianity than before, constantly thanking God and talking about God this, God that, God’s will; the entire package, basically. It made all of them feel quite uncomfortable at times, and right now was one of those times.

“You know, when I went to church as a little boy,” Mark started, digging up some pasta with his fork, “I didn’t believe in God, because how could such terrible things happen on earth if He was truly there? Like, how could He make people gay and then not allow them to be together, robbing them of love?” He brought the fork to his mouth, pausing right in front of it. “But then I just saw the light, you know? As cliche as that sounds.” He shoved the food in his mouth, chewing it thoroughly. “And the priest said,” he continued, covering his mouth as to not flash everyone with its gross looking contents, “That God made people gay for the same reason as why He put the apple there for Adam and Eve; to tempt them with something forbidden, to test their loyalty and respect for Him.”

Donghyuck started choking on his food, Jaemin staring at the older in shock as he hurriedly patted his friend’s back. Chenle coughed. “Well, that took a turn.”

“What? It’s true!” Mark stated defensively. “What I’m saying is that God doesn’t _hate_ the homosexuals, He just hopes that they will pick the right path and supports people who want to help them,” he shrugged, shovelling down more pasta. Jeno gazed down at his food, remaining silent.

“Listen, I knew that you loved God and shit, but I didn’t know you were homophobic,” Renjun huffed, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Yeah, I’m not sure I can say I agree with you there, hyung…” Jisung muttered, stabbing a piece of meat on his plate.

Jeno prided the younger for speaking up against his hyung, simultaneously cursing himself for not daring to do the same.

“All I’m _saying_ ,” Mark groaned, “is that it’s okay to feel same-sex attraction, as long as you make the right decisions.”

Jaemin sighed, putting down his fork. “And what exactly are those right decisions?”

“Just, you know,” he shrugged, “To not act on it, those… desires. Just like masturbating. That’s what the priest told us, anyways, and why we should still love our homosexual brothers and sisters as long as we will try to show them the right ways.”

“Mark, I thought we talked about this last summer,” Donghyuck hissed, anger burning in his eyes.

“We did,” Mark continued calmly, firing the younger up even more. “That’s why I’m saying that-”

Donghyuck stood up with a bang, the table shaking and his chair flying backwards. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled and stormed out, leaving the rest of the table in silence.

“I’m no longer hungry,” Chenle mumbled eventually, pushing his plate away. He got up quietly, sauntering in the same direction as where Donghyuck had run off to.

They continued eating with tension flowing around them, the thick air making everything in Jeno’s body feel tight. The conversation about God had never reached _that_ topic before.

“Mark, why did you say that?” Jaemin asked hesitantly, no longer eating his food, either. Jeno still remained silent, even as Jaemin’s accusing gaze fell on him for a brief moment.

“Just, you know, making conversation.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “Right, that was a really fun conversation, thanks man.”

“I didn’t say anything bad, though!”

“You literally said that being gay was okay unless you actually allow yourself to love? Even I take offense to that, and I’m not even gay, so I’d say it’s pretty fucking bad, hyung,” Renjun remarked, standing up to put their now empty plates away.

“I’m just trying to live my life according to God’s will, and if I make the decision to try and educate others, then that should be respected just as much,” he retorted.

“Not if you’re hurting others in the process, though,” Jisung noted, helping his hyung clean everything up. That was pretty out of character for him, so Jeno reckoned that the words had really affected the younger, more so than he would dare to let on.

“But gay people are hurting us Christians by acting on it, as well, so I don’t get your point here. Jeno, what do you think?”

Jeno blinked. “I just,” he gulped, “I don’t- I don’t know…?”

“You know what,” Jaemin stood up, looking betrayed, “Let’s just end this conversation right here. It’s pretty clear to me who thinks what about what, and we should just let it go now and not bring it up again any time soon, yeah?” He trudged over to his room, Jeno staring after him the entire way there.

Guilt was filling his heart to the point that it felt like it was going to burst. He felt like he should’ve said something, anything, but there was no reason for him to take any of it personally, so he tried to convince himself that he had had the right to remain silent. He didn’t feel like what he and Jaemin had done fell under the same category as what Mark had been talking about, even though some voice in the back of his head told him that it fell exactly under that category. They were acting purely on hormonal desire, even desperate enough to make out with someone of the same sex, and according to Mark that was very, very wrong.

He didn’t get what the older’s problem was all of the sudden. When Mark had comforted him that one night, Jeno had been this close to telling him everything, ready to spill everything about him and Jaemin and how their hormones had driven them to come up with their own solutions and conclusions about what might help. Clearly he had been right to remain silent.

Mark eventually left the kitchen as well, mumbling something about going to sleep early. That left Jeno, Jisung and Renjun.

“Why didn’t you say anything, Jeno?” Renjun asked carefully, disappointment clear in his voice. Jeno wished he wouldn’t have noticed, more guilt seeping through his pores. He didn’t want to be confronted, hated confrontation, and now he just didn’t know what to say or do or _think_.

Jisung looked between the two of them and took a silent hint, muttering a quick goodnight before heading off towards their shared bedroom.

“There was nothing left to say,” Jeno forced out, looking anywhere but at the older as he helped clean the dishes.

“You know that’s not true.”

Jeno hated this, he hated this so much because Renjun was right, but Jeno just didn’t know what he was right about and he felt like he was going insane. He knew he should’ve spoken up, almost like he had the responsibility to do so, but he also felt like he had no reason to. Why did his body feel so weird?

“Jeno, you remember that one night we all got drunk?”

Jeno nodded slowly.

“Well, I said that Jaemin was sleeping when I walked in, but I was lying.”

Jeno gulped. He didn’t like the direction in which this conversation was clearly headed.

Renjun put away a plate. “Jaemin had been crying, shirtless,” he continued. “And then you walked in, shirtless and covered in hickeys.”

Jeno felt eyes burning into the side of his head. His fingers started pruning up from the soap and hot water, but he didn’t care. He shut his eyes tightly.

Renjun sighed. “Look, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. All I’m wondering is why you didn’t speak up tonight, or why you didn’t go after Jaemin just now.”

“Because it’s not what you think, and I didn’t take anything that was being said personally,” Jeno shot back quickly, drying off his hands. He turned towards the older, who was still looking at him. “You guys spoke my opinions, and so that was enough for me.”

“Well, then, can you tell me what the hell is going on between you two?”

“There is no ‘us two’. I’m Lee Jeno, he’s Na Jaemin, and that’s it. We’re just best friends, you know that, but we’re also teenagers.” He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but somehow they flew out so smoothly despite how much they hurt to push through his throat.

“Go on,” Renjun spoke patiently, unmoving.

“Well, since we’re, you know, teenagers and also idols,” Jeno cursed mentally, wanting to die or cry or both at the same time, “We were scared that we would have… awkward situations on stage, if you know what I mean.” Renjun nodded, not looking phased at all, so Jeno continued. “So that’s why he came up with the idea to just- well, since we’re unable to really find any girls without risking a bunch, to just keep it indoors and help each other out sometimes- not that we’re gay! Not like that!” Renjun blinked. “No really! Just- making out!” Jeno ran a frustrated hand through his hair, “Just to spare us from those awkward moments, to let out frustration. We’re idols, so we just can’t be gay, and it’s not gay if you don’t have feelings, right?”

“Right…”

“Good. So,” he gulped, “That’s all there is to it. Nothing big, just all very simple.”

“Very simple,” the older repeated, looking unamused.

“Yes, simple.”

They stared at each other. Renjun eventually shook his head, putting the dry plates away, and sighed. “I don’t know what to say right now.”

“I didn’t ask you to say anything,” Jeno shot back, storing the last of the cutlery away before heading out without another word.

  


 

 

When he was lying in bed that night is when the guilt _really_ began to eat away at him. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t distract himself, he could only think about Jaemin, Mark’s words and Renjun’s face. He started to panic, wondering who knew. Mark had never said anything directly geared towards them, but he had seen as much as Renjun had, and Jeno doubted that he was oblivious enough to not puzzle the pieces together. It irked him, that Mark probably thought they were gay when they were far from it. Even when he had explained it to Renjun, the other didn’t seem to really believe his words. He hated it, he hated it so much. He wasn’t gay.

But now he also wasn’t asleep, and that was something he _did_ want to be. Fucking around on his phone wasn’t helping, and he didn’t want to wake Jisung and Renjun by doing shit in their room. He groaned, rolling around for the thousandth time, facing the wall and just staring. He felt so, so bad, like he wanted to cry, but had no right to cry, and so tears just wouldn’t give him the blessing of relief. He sighed, thinking about Jaemin.

None of them were gay, they couldn’t be, so Mark’s words didn’t really apply. Then why was his chest aching with this torturous feeling? Why did he feel somehow responsible? What did he even feel responsible for?

He’d had enough. His phone told him it was 3am and they had to be up in four hours. He got up, stretched and waddled towards the door without making a sound. (At least, he hoped so.) He opened it, cringing at the awful creaking sound. He hurriedly looked over, but Renjun and Jisung still seemed to be fast asleep. He let out a sigh of relief and stepped out. Everything was dark, of course, but his eyes were accustomed enough to not bump into any large objects when making his way over to the kitchen. Or well, he thought he had been headed to the kitchen, but then suddenly he was standing in front of Jaemin’s door, so clearly there had been a change of plan somewhere along the way.

Jeno saw that there was light flickering in the younger’s room, so he quietly knocked on the door. No one opened at first, so he knocked again, not speaking a word. Right as he was about to knock again, the door opened slowly, Jaemin’s face peeking through the small crack with the dim light of his desk lamp behind him, making his silhouette illuminate. Jeno felt the breath get knocked out of him. He looked like an angel.

“Jeno? What the fuck are you doing here?” the younger whispered. Okay, he didn’t _talk_ like an angel.

Jeno rubbed his neck sheepishly. Yeah, wait, what was he doing there? “...Can I come in?” he asked eventually. That was a good place to start, right?

The door didn’t open any further. “I don’t know, can you?”

“Jaemin, please,” Jeno begged. He didn’t know why Jaemin was mad at him, but then again he kind of did know, so who was he kidding. It just didn’t register properly, so his head was already a mess simply from standing there, looking at the other. All he knew was that he needed to come in, and they needed to talk.

Jaemin sighed, opening the door properly and heading back to his desk without a word. Jeno shuffled inside, closing the door as quietly as he had done before. He looked around awkwardly for a few seconds before choosing to sit on the bed.

A heavy silence was filling the air. Jeno knew he was the one who needed to break it, considering he had just barged in like that at ass o’clock in the morning, he just didn’t know where to start. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before giving up, deciding to just sit there, not looking at anything in particular.

“Jeno, why are you here?” the younger eventually urged.

Jeno kicked his legs where they were dangling from the bed. “I don’t know.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Then leave and come back when you do know, yeah?”

“Wait!” Jeno let out suddenly, voice ringing loudly through the otherwise quiet room. Jaemin angrily shushed him, Jeno apologising and going on with a softer tone of voice. “I’m… I’m sorry? I guess?”

Jaemin huffed. “You guess? Fuck off, Jeno.”

“Wait, fuck, no I mean-” He took a deep breath. “I mean I’m sorry. For real.”

“But let me guess, you don’t know what for?”

“I-” Jeno gulped, looking away. He really didn’t know, actually. Jaemin was right, but how could he say that without sounding like a fucking dick? Or maybe he just _was_ a fucking dick and he had to accept that.

Jaemin sighed, getting up from his desk chair and moving to stand in front of the older. “Jeno, do you agree with Mark?” Jeno noted how the younger’s voice sounded exhausted. He hoped it was due to lack of sleep.

The words didn’t sit right with him, though. How could Jaemin think he was homophobic? Sudden panic filled his mind as he looked up at the younger with wide eyes, shaking his head frantically. “I don’t, I swear! How could you-”

“Keep it down!” Jaemin whisper-yelled, running an annoyed hand through his hair. “Then why on earth didn’t you say anything earlier tonight? You didn’t even fucking react when he spurted out all of that shit.”

He shrugged, shifting on the bed so he could lean against the wall. “You guys had said everything already, so I didn’t feel the need to, you know, add anything? There was nothing for us to take personally, anyways.”

Jaemin blinked at him. He opened his mouth to speak, before closing it and joining Jeno on the bed with a desperate sigh. “Jeno…”

“What?” His voice sounded defensive, a bit too defensive.

Jaemin flinched, looking away. “I guess you’re right, I just- You know what, nevermind, it’s fine, I guess.” Jaemin didn’t sound relieved or happy, though, and Jeno still felt guilt threatening to burst from his body.

“We’re not gay, we’re just teenagers. Nothing has changed.” Jeno’s voice spoke. Despite the odd edge to it, it was still his voice. Nothing strange was going on. “So Mark’s homophobic, and that’s not something I stand behind, but nothing for us to worry about. It’s simple, what we’re doing is simple.” He made himself sound confident, more confident than he felt. No, actually, he had the right to feel confident. He did feel confident. His words were true.

Jaemin looked anywhere but at him. “Right, it’s simple. I guess I forgot for a second.”

Jeno grabbed the younger’s chin, the control making his body burn. For once, he didn’t feel like the vulnerable one, but he didn’t know if he liked it, if he liked seeing Jaemin like this. He made the raven haired boy look up at him, their eyes meeting. Their eye contact had never been this loaded with unspoken emotions before, and Jeno let his gaze flick down to the other’s lips, asking for silent permission. He needed to prove it, prove that everything was still alright. When Jaemin closed his eyes, he slowly brought their lips together.

Jaemin seemed hesitant at first, not really kissing back like he used to do, but eventually loosened up. Jeno felt a hand wrap around the back of his neck, playing with the hairs there as they languidly kissed each other. It didn’t feel rushed, it wasn’t fueled by an intense desire, it was just slow and relaxed. It felt comfortable, to taste the younger’s lips again after an entire month of abstinence, to feel his mind blank and everything become peaceful for a single moment, a feeling that made meditation seem like a joke.

After a few more moments of kissing, Jaemin finally took control again, adding more fire to the kiss, and everything fell even more into its right place. Jeno’s hand went to grip at the front of the other’s shirt, feeling the outline of Jaemin’s fit body underneath. As their tongues battled, Jaemin’s hand slid down, eventually going under his shirt to caress his bare back. Jeno’s mind flashed to that month prior, to what line they had nearly crossed.

Jaemin seemed to have the same thing on his mind, pulling away and resting his forehead against Jeno’s. “What’s too far?”

His voice sounded husky, his eyes were dark, and Jeno felt his entire body come alive, the late hour a mere disposable concept. If they were gonna get rid of frustrations, anything was fine, right? Nothing they could do would be wrong, nothing would be worse than what they had already been doing, because it had the same purpose. Jeno’s hand slid down the younger’s side. “Don’t stop, please.” His own voice was the soft sounding one again, and for some reason he liked it better that way. Like this, he didn’t feel the need to be macho, to be manly; he wanted to be held, to be taken care of, and Jaemin seemed to be the perfect fit for the part.

Jaemin eyed the other carefully before nodding, pulling the older’s shirt off and reconnecting their lips. The only light in the room was coming from the desk lamp, which lit up their bodies in all the right ways, making everything seem that much more intense. Jeno whimpered when Jaemin’s hand felt up his abs again, the younger’s tongue still playing with his own. Jeno pulled away to get the other’s shirt off as well, their lips somehow meeting in an even more heated kiss than before. His hands went to Jaemin’s back, clawing at the flesh as the other went to trail kisses down his neck, sucking at a spot right above his collarbone. His breathing was laboured, and for a second he started panicking again. When he had said “don’t stop”, he hadn’t _really_ thought about what the implications of his words would be, but he couldn’t say he didn’t like it when Jaemin’s hands slid down from his nipples to the front of his pyjama pants. He wanted to feel embarrassed about how hard he was from simply kissing, but his mind shut off again when the younger started palming him through the fabric. Jeno let out a moan, trying to keep it down but still unable to stop the noise from leaving his mouth. Jaemin’s lips moved back up to his mouth, pulling Jeno on his lap simultaneously. Jeno wrapped his arms around Jaemin’s neck, one hand desperately gripping at the black locks. He shuddered when Jaemin grinded up, his own body pressing back against it on instinct.

“You’re sure?” Jaemin breathed into his mouth, still letting their hips meet.

Jeno hastily nodded, pulling away to bury his face into the younger’s neck. “Still the same purpose, right?” His voice sounded wrecked, so hoarse and so full of _something,_ and Jaemin had been the cause.

“Right,” Jaemin murmured, hurriedly lifting Jeno’s head to get another taste. Jeno felt his heartbeat pick up speed when the younger’s hand moved to the front of his pants once more, this time moving past the first layer of fabric and palming him through his boxers. He whimpered, pleasure already fogging his mind from such a simple touch. He noticed Jaemin was just as hard as he was. Then Jaemin’s hand went the extra mile, and Jeno stopped breathing when he felt the younger’s bare hand on his dick for real. _We really just went there?_ His mind was trying to panic, but his desire was stronger. He breathed out a loaded sigh, his entire body erupting in chills as Jaemin slowly stroked him.

“Oh, fuck,” he moaned, his head falling on the younger’s shoulder. Jaemin seemed more put together, but his shaky breaths betrayed him.

“What are we doing?” Jaemin let out, sounding as nervous as Jeno felt.

“I don’t know,” Jeno replied softly, crashing their lips together right after. He moaned as Jaemin’s thumb rubbed over his head, making him want to cry out. How could this feel so much better than when he did it himself? It was the same concept, yet this pleasure was so much more overwhelming than anything he’d ever managed by himself.

Jeno felt like he should be doing something as well, so as shy as he felt about it, he moved his own hand to the younger’s pants. He went under the fabric to grab his cock directly, afraid that if he didn’t he would chicken out, and Jaemin gasped. It felt strange, yet oddly familiar in his hand. He didn’t dare look at it. I mean, Jeno had the same parts, but it was just so odd to know it wasn’t his own cock he was stroking. The sounds coming from the other’s mouth were totally worth it, though, revelling in the fact that he was the one doing this to Jaemin, the one making him feel like that, the first one.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Jaemin groaned out as he pulled their lips apart, hissing when Jeno applied more pressure. It was difficult to jack someone else off when your own pleasure was going through the roof, but somehow they managed. They were equally a mess, their eyes clouded as they looked at each other. The eye contact was so intense, so deep, like they were looking right through each other and gazing into the deepest parts of their beings. They were both so completely open in that moment, so unravelled, and nothing else existed. Jeno reckoned it was because they had never done something like this before, never had anyone else pleasure them. It was a bit of a special moment, and he knew that, despite not wanting to accept it.

Jeno felt a sense of shame as he noticed he was already approaching his peak, already this close to showing the most vulnerable and fragile side he had to Jaemin. His stomach started to tingle, his mind was having trouble functioning. Everything was becoming too much, too close, approaching too quickly, he was losing control of himself and he was just so-

“Ah- Jaemin, I’m gonna-”

It was too much, his eyes squeezing shut as he let out a high, broken-sounding moan, his entire body stuttering with the most intense pleasure he had ever felt. He saw stars in front of his tightly shut eyes, his brain going completely empty, overtaken by pure bliss.

Jaemin worked him through his orgasm, still panting himself as he fluttered kisses all over the older’s neck. As Jeno came down from his high, he at least had the mind to speed up his own hand, knowing the younger must be close as well. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long before Jaemin’s body stilled, a heavy groan coming from the back of his throat as ropes of white painted Jeno’s hand.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jaemin hissed, shuddering as one last string spurted from his tip. He bit into Jeno’s shoulder hard, the other whimpering at the pain.

They sat there for a while, both panting heavily. Jeno still didn’t dare look at his hand or where it had been. He was suddenly feeling shy, thoughts coming back to him. He didn’t know what to do next, and he hoped that Jaemin would be the first to move, to say something, _any_ thing. Thankfully, he did.

“We should- We should get cleaned up,” Jaemin breathed out. Jeno nodded and got up, picking up his pyjama shirt from the ground and cringing as he wiped the sticky substance off his hands. He then handed the fabric to Jaemin, the other scrunching up his nose before doing the same. Jeno suddenly felt exhausted, so, so tired. His eyes were drooping, his body wanting to give in to sleep. Jaemin noticed.

“You can sleep here, if you want.”

Jeno nodded without thinking about it any further, the offer too tempting to decline. He let himself fall on the bed, his eyes closing immediately. He heard the other shuffle around some more, turning the light off and probably cleaning up more of their mess before he got down on the bed as well. Jeno scooted closer to the wall to give the other space in the tiny bed.

This was definitely very close to a mistake, Jeno realised that, but he also didn’t want it to be a mistake. It had felt so good, better than anything he’d ever felt before, and he wasn’t gonna give that up. The rule still counted. It was all part of the experiment.

No arms wrapped around him when he fell asleep that night, and it was better that way.

No going back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already written the entire fic, just editing the other parts now, so idk when I'll post them. Leave a kudos if you want, if it isn't too bad so far lol


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved reading all of the comments, I'm glad you like it so far :)
> 
> This chapter starts off with some pretty heavy stuff (basically porn but ok), but I feel like it's part of the character development and necessary for the plot, so let's just go with that lol
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The morning after had been awkward, to say the least. Both of them hadn’t really known what to do or say, so they had just interacted with the other dreamies more than each other, pretending that nothing was out of the ordinary. And it wasn’t, Jeno had tried to convince himself for the umpteenth time. The awkward air had only been a natural part of the process.

Thankfully, it hadn’t taken more than a day to get rid of the awkwardness, which had been short enough for the others not to be bothered by it. Everyone had just assumed that it had been about the conversation of the night before. Mark had never brought up the topic again, although he couldn’t help but shoot Jaemin and Jeno uncomfortable looks every now and then. Renjun didn’t speak up again, either, deciding to let the two of them figure out what the hell they were doing by themselves.

A week later, and Jeno and Jaemin had done it again, this time considerably less awkward and hesitant than the first time. They had to do it in the early hours of the morning again, as to not make anyone suspicious, but the pleasure had made up for it, anticipation having kept them awake. Jeno had actually dared to look at the younger’s “private parts” this time, and both of them had been a lot more relaxed. Boundaries were already crossed, so they didn’t really care anymore, didn’t feel anxious about it anymore. It was just the next natural step in the development of their “cure”.

They didn’t go any further until the following year, right after NCT DREAM’s Christmas station and right before they had to start preparing for Empathy. They knew they were gonna be incredibly busy for the following few months, so as they met up more and more often to compensate in advance, they eventually wanted to try out new things. 

So that’s how Jeno ended up with his mouth around the head of Jaemin’s dick, he supposes.

Jaemin clutched at the desk he was standing next to, eyes blown out with pleasure as his knuckles turned white. “Fuck, holy shit-”

Jeno had never had a dick in his mouth before - obviously - and he had to admit that although it felt a bit strange, it wasn’t unwelcome. It was just skin, of course, something he seemed to have forgotten when he had first put it in his mouth. He had thought it would be disgusting, so he had been shocked to find out that it didn’t taste like the big, scary thing he had made it out to be. It had taken more effort to get used to the knowledge of there being a  _ dick _ in his  _ mouth  _ than anything else, but as soon as he had gotten past that first mental barrier, he was kind of okay with it.

For Jaemin, it clearly didn’t  _ feel _ like just skin. He was now gripping Jeno’s hair tightly, hissing whenever the older’s tongue did a certain thing. “Shit, that feels so good,” he groaned, throwing his head back as Jeno took him in further. 

Jaemin’s dick was bigger than the Korean average, and Jeno was trying to test his own limits, seeing how far he could go without choking. It ended up being pretty far, only coughing slightly when Jaemin’s tip came in contact with his throat. He pulled away to breathe, focussing on licking the underside for a few seconds before taking it in his mouth again. He almost saw it as a challenge, to take Jaemin in further and further, until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was able to get closer to his goal with every attempt, his nose eventually buried in Jaemin’s wiry pubic hair as tears started gathering in his eyes.

“Oh my God- Jeno, fuck-”

Jeno pulled away, a string of saliva connecting them even as his mouth was no longer on his dick. He didn’t know why, but he immediately missed the feeling of it lying heavy in his mouth, of it making him feel so dizzy and restrained. He loved the feeling of not being able to breathe, of nearly choking on it, and the thought of Jaemin fucking his throat made his dick twitch in his pants. He blushed, not ever wanting to admit to such a thing, but also kind of just… 

“Jaemin,” his voice sounded so hoarse, so wrecked, and the thought of Jaemin having been the cause made him shudder. He swallowed hard. “You can… take control, if you want.”

Where he had gotten the courage from to suggest such a thing, he couldn’t really be sure, and he wasn’t sure if not-on-his-knees Jeno stood behind this decision, either, but why should he care right now? Actually, he did care, and he was stressing out quite a bit, but at least he made an effort not to.

Jaemin’s eyes darkened instantly. “Jeno…”

“No, I like it, please,” he begged, forcing himself to continue down this path. I mean, what did he have to lose?  _ A lot _ , his mind helpfully supplied. Shh, he hissed back, looking up through his long lashes with saliva-slicked lips. “Don’t hold back. I don’t have to record for another week.”

Jaemin gulped, his eyes holding a glint of something beastly as he gave Jeno a curt nod. It almost felt as if this wasn’t the first time they were doing this with how smoothly things were going, how intense they were willing to get. Jaemin put his hand on the older’s jaw, caressing it with his thumb and spreading saliva over the skin. Jeno felt so dirty, so helpless, so small as Jaemin looked at him like that, gaze darker than he had ever seen it. It wasn’t like Jeno wasn’t nervous about this, it was just that he had crossed too many lines to let this one seriously affect him, and clearly Jaemin felt the same right now.

“Open your mouth,” Jaemin ordered, still stroking his cheek as he quickly wiped a tear from the other’s eyes. Jeno didn’t have to hear the words twice, opening his mouth obediently as anticipation and adrenaline filled his body. Jaemin lined up his tip with his mouth. “Tap my thigh three times if you want to stop, okay?”

Jeno nodded, looking up as innocently as he could. He didn’t know where this side of him had come from, but then again he guessed it had always kind of been there, even though at times he didn’t want to accept it. But like this, Jaemin just radiated some sort of authority that made Jeno want to bow down and kiss his feet. Not that he had some sort of foot fetish, but just figuratively speaking, of course.

Jaemin pushed in the tip first, pulling it back out and pushing it back in as he held Jeno’s head in its place by his hair, using the strands as handles. He repeated this a few times, not wanting to overwhelm the older immediately.

“Fuck, you’re so- how the fuck?” Jaemin groaned, hair falling in his face as he stared down at the older. Jeno thought he looked like the hottest being on the entire planet like that, so raw and animalistic, although he would never admit it if he weren’t in this position.

After a while, Jaemin finally dared to go further, pushing his entire length in very carefully until it hit the back of Jeno’s throat. Jeno squeezed his eyes shut, putting in all of his conscious effort not to gag. It was weird to feel it completely for the first time, the feeling of being taken over, of losing all control to Jaemin. The younger pulled back out halfway and thrusted his dick back in, a bit quicker than before. He repeated this, picking up speed along the way. Jeno could feel Jaemin still wasn’t giving it his all, afraid of hurting him. I mean, of course, it was their first time doing this.

Jeno opened his eyes again, tears blurring his vision. He saw Jaemin look at him with his mouth parted slightly, panting and grunting, eyes near black. 

The way Jeno looked at him had apparently made something in Jaemin snap, and suddenly he thrusted his hips forwards roughly, ramming his dick against the back of Jeno’s throat without remorse. The older’s eyes widen as he gagged. “Oh fuck,” Jaemin moaned, tugging at the older’s hair. He didn’t stop for a single second, showing no remorse as Jeno struggled to keep up with the sensation. “Shit, you look so good like this, fuck.”

Jeno had thought he would hate it, had been scared of choking and gagging and embarrassing himself, but right now he truly couldn’t think of anything more exciting than this, than feeling so uncomfortable and little and  _ used _ . He wondered if a girl would ever make him feel like that, the thought making his gut fill with something he didn’t want to worry about, not like this.

Jaemin pushed Jeno’s head forwards right as he gave a particularly hard thrust, keeping him in place. Jeno’s nose was buried in the younger’s crotch, gagging and sputtering around Jaemin’s dick as it was jammed in his throat. Despite barely getting air and feeling like he was gonna choke for real, he didn’t once think about tapping the boy’s thigh. 

“How are you so good at this?” Jaemin growled out, roughly pulling the older off by his hair. Tears were streaming down Jeno’s face as he gasped for air, coughing slightly. “You’re still okay, right?” Jaemin asked huskily, running a hand through Jeno’s locks. He nodded quickly, eyes wide and body shaking as oxygen went back up to his brain. Jaemin smiled, not able to help feeling soft. “Where do you want me to..?”

Jeno was panting hard, panic filling up his lungs alongside the oxygen. He knew what he himself wanted, it was just that… was he really gonna go there? His regular brain was trying to fight his horny brain, and the fact that he let the other go as far as fuck his throat right now was actually already a bit too much to handle for that side of him, let alone-

Well, then again, this wasn’t the time and place for his regular brain to be in control, now, was it?

Jeno didn’t trust his voice to speak, so he just raised his head to show more of his throat and pointed towards it. Jaemin shot him a look. “Are you sure, Jen?” Said boy closed his eyes and opened his mouth further in response, looking a bit like a puppy in the process. Somewhere in the back of his head voices started screaming again, telling him to man the fuck up, yelling at him for doing this and making himself so weak, but Jeno ignored them. He was still a man, he was still the same Jeno, it was just that apparently this was a part of fixing the frustrations for him. He didn’t really have enough oxygen in him to fight it anymore, now, anyways.

Jaemin muttered an ‘okay’ before lining the tip of his dick back up with Jeno’s open mouth. This time, he didn’t even start off slow, immediately going for it like Jeno was for him to use. In a sick way, that was what they had planned from the start, but Jeno wasn’t sure if this had exactly been what they had intended. 

He gagged and choked, albeit less than before, letting the other do whatever he pleased. Saliva was all over, coating Jaemin’s dick and Jeno’s face, mixing in with his tears. Some of it dripped down to the ground, a long string connected to his mouth. He thought about what the public would think of this, what the fans would think of this, of how he was sitting there like an obedient puppy for his fellow groupmate and best friend, the manly-looking Lee Jeno getting a dick rammed into his throat. In his head, it didn’t sound as straight as he would’ve liked it to, but then his mind started to blank as he felt pleasure build up in his own stomach.

“Jeno, I’m close,” Jaemin stuttered out, and Jeno hummed around his dick, causing vibrations to shoot through it. Jaemin picked up his pace even more, diving down the older’s throat faster and faster as he grunted hotly. Jeno could feel the dick twitch around his lips, making his own body tense with pleasure. Jaemin grunted and pushed Jeno’s head as far down his dick as he could, cumming down his throat with a loud groan. Jeno felt his own mind blank completely, choking on the substance as he felt it shoot down. He was coughing and moaning around the other’s dick, squeezing his eyes shut and seeing stars as intense pleasure shook through his body. He swallowed it all in a haze, feeling like he was hypnotised by the other. That’s when he realised something wet was staining the front of his boxers.

He pulled away with a blush, avoiding eye contact as a wave of embarrassment washed over him. Jaemin was breathing heavily above him, stroking his hair. “Fuck, that was so- fuck…” The younger shook his head, quickly snapping out of his own post-orgasm trance to get down on his knees as well. “Here, let me help you.”

“No!” Jeno screeched out quickly as he scrambled backwards, his voice nearly gone. He cleared his throat, the action having no effect whatsoever. “It’s fine, you don’t have to-”

“Of course I do, come here.” Jaemin’s hand moved to the front of Jeno’s boxers, freezing as he felt it. “Oh my God,” he muttered in disbelief, letting out a breathy laugh, “Did you just come untouched from me fucking your throat?”

Jeno groaned. “Shut up, I want to die.”

Jaemin looked at him in fascination. “Fuck, you’re really something else.”

Jeno got up quickly, trudging away from the other towards the bathroom.

“Wait! Jen, wait for me, I’ll help you get cleaned up.” The younger quickly caught up with him, pressing a kiss to his cheek before cringing at the texture of the saliva covered skin. “Yeah, you really need to get cleaned up.” Jeno shot him a glare.

They didn’t talk when Jaemin helped him wipe all of the…  _ liquids _ off of his body, handing the older clean boxers before leaning against the sink. Jeno didn’t look at him as he removed the sticky fabric from his body and replaced it with Jaemin’s clean one. He thought about complaining that it was gross to wear other people’s boxers, but then he realised that they would end up with a pretty odd conversation considering what they had just done. Wait, holy shit, what the fuck had they  _ done _ ?

Whilst Jeno was trying not to have a mental breakdown at the realisation, Jaemin calmly tapped his fingers against the sink. “Do you want to crash in my room?”

They usually didn’t do that, save for the first few times, because they didn’t want the others to get too suspicious because, well, if they somehow saw Jeno stumble out of Jaemin’s room in the morning, looking obviously wrecked, that would be make for a pretty awkward breakfast.

Jeno nodded anyways, not really knowing why he was agreeing to it. Maybe he just needed Jaemin’s familiar presence right now, that would make sense. 

“You’re sure you’re okay? I didn’t hurt you?” Jaemin’s voice sounded so concerned, and Jeno felt the sudden urge to cry. He reasoned that it was normal for friends to care, but for some reason he couldn’t handle the other acting all soft right now, not after what had just happened.

Jeno just nodded again, refraining from using his voice as much as he could. It hurt to talk, hurt to breathe, and now that the moment was over he didn’t know what to do, the evidence of what had just happened right there. It made him feel weird, and he wasn’t quite sure if it was in a good way or not. He couldn’t believe he’d now officially sucked dick, and that he had just let Jaemin do it like that. He knew from watching porn that sucking someone’s dick was one thing, but letting someone fuck your throat was another. He felt weak, like the universe was off balance. Wasn’t he supposed to be different? He wasn’t the submissive type, right? In sex situations, wasn’t he supposed to be the… what do they call it, the top? Not that he wanted to sleep with Jaemin, that would just be  _ too much _ , you know, because he wasn’t-

“Jenooo, you still here?”

Jeno’s head snapped up, only to see Jaemin still eyeing him in concern. He forced himself to smile, hoping it looked convincing enough to fool the other. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Jaemin and Jeno walked back to the younger’s room after having hidden all the evidence (well, except for Jeno quite obviously looking and sounding like he had just been ravished by a beast), and Jaemin turned off the lights as soon as Jeno had made himself comfortable in his bed. He saw Jaemin smile fondly at him before walking over to join him on the soft mattress.

Jeno’s head was spinning, probably partly due to the chronic lack of oxygen he had experienced for a while, but also partly due to him trying to comprehend the whole thing. A robotic voice in his head was telling him he was still straight, but he just felt this fear in his gut, this dread that no girl would ever be able to give him what Jaemin had given him. He loved what he and Jaemin were doing, as sick as it was, but he felt like their true intention was slipping away more and more the further they went. Kissing a bro sounded only minimally gay, jacking a bro off sounded a bit more gay, and sucking your lad off sounded… well, hella fucking gay, let’s be real, and even though he knew it wasn’t coming from a gay perspective, just from a situational one, it still didn’t help with how it would sound to everyone else. He remembered those months ago, when Renjun had looked at him like he was insane for saying there was nothing gay about what they were doing, but Jeno knew that desperate times called for desperate measures, and he knew-  _ they _ knew that what him and Jaemin were doing was purely situational, a temporary way to let off steam and lessen the risk of creating awkward moments in public. This was all behind closed doors, all safely hidden away from the world, and it seemed to be working… yet in his mind, for some reason, it all started feeling stranger and stranger, less like who he was and what he wanted to stand for as a person.

Jeno felt an arm wrap around his waist, a ‘goodnight’ whispered into his hair. He wanted to pull away, wanted to shout at Jaemin to not act like that, but it was cold, and the warmth of the other’s body against his was too comforting to ignore, that’s what he told himself before he fell asleep.

  
  


 

 

Jeno stumbled out of Jaemin’s room in the early morning with his hair all over the place and a burning throat. Jeno wanted to make sure he would be in his own bed by the time the others would wake up, so he opened his door quietly, shuddering at the painful creaking sound as always. 

Just as he was about to crawl under the blankets, he noticed a figure sitting up from the corner of his eyes. Jeno snapped his head around, eyes meeting with Renjun’s through the dark room. He frowned. Jaemin and Jeno had once tested how loud they could get without the others hearing, and turns out the walls were pretty thick, so unless you were stood right outside of Jaemin’s door, you couldn’t hear a thing.

Jeno turned back around, about to ignore the other when Renjun spoke up. “Had fun?”

Jeno stilled.

The room remained silent for a bit, neither of them speaking. Jeno turned to face the older boy again. “What?” The simple word wasn’t enough to be able to hear the sheer damage done to his voice, but he knew he was going to have to talk more. He quickly glanced at Jisung, but the heavy sleeper was still off in dreamland.

Renjun just sat there, staring at him blankly. “I asked if you had fun.”

“I-” Jeno gulped, panic flooding his senses. He cleared his throat. “What are you talking about?” He cursed at how he sounded, even though it was just a whisper.

“I got up to get a glass of water because I couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged, remaining calm, “It sounded like you were having a lot of fun.”

Jeno paled. Renjun knew that they were making out and shit, but Jeno had told him that that was all they were doing, that they were  _ just  _ making out. The thought of the older actually hearing them when they were clearly doing more than that made his entire body fill with a nausea.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeno croaked out, trying to keep his face neutral.

Renjun nodded slowly. “Maybe we should take this to the living room, in case we wake Jisung up.”

“There’s nothing to  _ take _ to the living room,” he snapped back, moving to crawl in his bed.

Renjun was quick to stand up, forcefully pulling the younger boy with him and out of their room. Jeno tried to protest, but words weren’t coming out the way he wanted them to right now, so he gave up and defeatedly followed the older. They could converse a little louder over there, and Jeno feared the true state of his voice would shine through even more.

When they finally got to the living room, Renjun pulled Jeno down to sit next to him on the couch. He sighed. “Half a year ago, I decided to just let you guys to it, because I reasoned that making out was fine, you know? It was still relatively innocent and harmless and if it helped you with your peace of mind then sure, fine, whatever.” He paused, and Jeno wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “But last night… that didn’t exactly sound like  _ just _ making out.”

Jeno quivered at the accusing tone of voice. He hated that he had to reply, that he couldn’t talk himself out of it because the evidence was  _ right there _ in his  _ voice _ .

Renjun thankfully gave him a few more moments to collect himself, continuing. “Listen, Jeno, I love you and I love Jaemin, but I also care about NCT DREAM as a group and our wellbeing as a whole, so all I want to know is why the fuck you’re doing this. Wait, no, what the fuck you even think you’re doing in the first place?”

Jeno gulped. “We’re,” he shut his eyes tightly as his face reddened from the way he sounded in his own ears, “We’re just friends helping each other. Nothing has changed.”

“Except now you’re letting your throat get absolutely annihilated by your  _ bro _ right before a comeback. Great, got it.”

“I didn’t!” A coughing fit engulfed him from the sudden raise of voice, making his face even redder. He ignored the other’s knowing gaze. “I just-” he cleared his throat, trying to seem nonchalant, “I have a cold.”

“You don’t have a cold, Jeno.” Renjun was staring him down, cold eyes making Jeno want to crawl into a hole and cry until the end of times.

“Listen,” Jeno started again, tone desperate. “We have everything under control. Jaemin and I are just best friends, so nothing to worry about.” It hurt to speak, and he didn’t know whether it was from his sore throat or the words themselves. No, it was from his throat, for sure.

“Does Jaemin know that, too?” Renjun asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jeno shot him a glare. “It was  _ his _ idea.”

Renjun pursed his lips, nodding in thought. “When?”

“Uhm…” Jeno thought back, trying not to flinch when he realised it had been a year and a half already. “Right after Chewing Gum? I think?”

Renjun’s eyes widened dramatically, his jaw dropping to the floor. “That long?” Jeno nodded shamefully, looking down. Renjun ran a hand through his hair. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah…” Jeno fumbled with his fingers.

“How have you managed to hide it for so long?”

Jeno thought about it. Even he had to admit, it was kind of impressive that no one had found out or gotten suspicious until six months ago. “Well, Jaemin got his back injury, and so we would… you know… whenever I stayed over at his place…” He shrugged. “Then he came back to the dorm and you and Mark immediately found out and-”

“Wait-” Renjun put his hand up, tilting his head to the side with a cautious look on his face, “Mark knows, too?”

“Pretty sure,” Jeno muttered, “I mean, remember that one night? When you went to Jaemin, and Mark went to me?”

Renjun paused. “Shit, you’re right. Fuck, I forgot about that.”

“Yeah…”

“So, those comments-”

“Yeah…”

“I’m sorry.” Renjun looked at him, pity flowing around in his eyes.

“Don’t be, and don’t look at me like that,” Jeno snapped. “Once again, there was nothing for us to take personally. Mark just doesn’t understand.”

Renjun sighed. Jeno hated the look on his face, hated whatever was clearly radiating from the older’s body. He just wanted to go back to sleep, forget any of this had happened. He didn’t want to talk; he didn’t even know what he could possible argue with anymore. The odds weren’t exactly only his side. He just needed to know one more thing, to find out how lost his pride was at this point. 

His gaze darted around the room, avoiding the older’s eyes. “What exactly-” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “What exactly did you hear…?”

Renjun blinked at him. “Trust me, you don’t want me to repeat that.”

Jeno groaned. “Just tell me, I need to know how much I can talk myself out of it.”

“Really,  _ really _ sure? Your ego can be saved if I-”

“Renjun, please.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “Fine, let’s just say I heard some very  _ questionable _ sounds, followed by a, and I quote, ‘did you just come untouched from me fucking your throat?’” Renjun shuddered, “Good luck talking yourself out of that one, dude.”

Okay, yeah, the older had been right. He cringed hard, hiding his face. “Can you just please… forget all of that?”

“Dude, I  _ wish _ ,” Renjun groaned in exasperation, “That shit will forever be burned into my brain waiting to show up in my nightmares. Why is it always the asexuals that have to deal with this shit?”

Jeno’s eyebrows shot up. “The what?”

“Asexual, you know?” Jeno tilted his head in confusion. Renjun let out an irritated sigh. “I don’t feel sexual attraction?” Jeno frowned, eyes glancing up towards the ceiling as if he was looking for it to make sense. Renjun rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ, it means I don’t want to put my dick anywhere or have a dick stuffed anywhere in-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got that,” Jeno let out impatiently, waving his hand. “Just- Why not…? It feels so nice?”

“I don’t know, not under my control,” he shrugged. “That’s usually what sexuality is, you know? You can’t exactly  _ choose _ it or  _ know why _ , sometimes you gotta just take it as it is and  _ accept _ it.” He shot Jeno a look.

Jeno ignored it. “Well, good for you, I guess? Asexual should be fine in our situation, I guess. Just imagine if you had found out you were gay or something, man.” He let out a forced laugh, but Renjun’s expression darkened.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

Jeno’s eyes widened, realising how his words had sounded as he shook his hands quickly. “No, no, I don’t mean like-” he took a deep, frustrated breath, “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s just that we couldn’t possibly be gay, because we’re idols, so it’s not even a possibility for us to be gay, you know?”

Renjun blinked at him. “Literally what the fuck.”

“What?” Jeno shot back defensively.

“We can’t possibly be gay because we’re idols?” Renjun repeated in disbelief, eyebrows raised.

“Yes! We have an image to uphold,” Jeno explained, all of it making perfect sense, of course, “So if we were gay, then our lives would be miserable like this, being in the public eye and all, so we aren’t gay, otherwise we wouldn’t have chosen this public lifestyle. Just logical thinking, you know? It’s simple.”

“Simple.”

“Yes. Simple,” Jeno hissed out.

“You know what?” Renjun stood up, shaking his head. “You need to go see a therapist or something, because you have some seriously twisted views of the world you’re living in.” He walked away before Jeno could reply, probably to cash in on a few more hours of sleep.

Jeno threw his hands up in annoyance. Wasn’t what he had said something that everybody in their right minds could come up with? If you were gay, you would choose a life of misery if you became an idol, so why the hell would gay people do that? It wasn’t homophobic of him to point that out, it was just a fact.

He sighed, running a hand through his short locks. They still felt damaged, even six months after the We Young promotions had ended, but at least he was glad his coupe no longer looked like shit. Although, thinking about it, his hair probably  _ did _ look like shit right now, a mental image of Jaemin’s hands tangled in them making him shudder.

Suddenly, he felt a strong wave of exhaustion hit him, and he let his head fall back. He didn’t feel like going back to his room since he really didn’t want to be around Renjun right now, so he decided to settle down on the couch instead. Within no time, sleep took over once more, but not before an unsettling feeling nested itself in the pit of his stomach for the thousandth time.

  
  
  


 

The Empathy preparations and promotions went pretty smoothly, Jaemin incredibly excited to finally have comebacks again. It was clear that the younger was a bit out of shape from not going through such intensive activities for a long time, but it was nothing worrisome. Jeno felt so incredibly happy whenever he saw the other shine on stage or backstage or anywhere, really, because the younger just looked so elated, so in his element.

The only problem was that, with their busy schedules, they didn’t have any time for themselves. Whenever they all came home late at night after another busy day, sleep was the only thing on their minds, and whenever they had a few hours off… well, sleep was still the only thing on their minds. They felt like they were doing a thousand things at once, and it especially hurt to see Mark really pushing past his limits, but there was nothing they could do about it. If SM said it, you did it, no complaints or protests.

The thing is, a sleep deprived mind is a very strange one. You have no control over it, and half of the time you don’t even know what’s happening, simply moving through life like a zombie. Another thing is that stuff might happen that wouldn’t usually happen. For example, stuff like accidentally calling your friend ‘baby’ like he had done with Donghyuck a few years prior (which the younger still wouldn’t let go to this day), or, I don’t know, sporting another spontaneous boner right before a stage.

“Jeno, again?” Donghyuck laughed in disbelief. “Fuck, you unlucky man.”

Jeno went bright red, the clock indicating that they, once again, had fifteen more minutes before they had to hit the stage. Why was it always him? Really?

Renjun shot him a look. “Whatever you’re doing to stop it is working very well, clearly.”

Jeno quickly looked towards Jaemin, but the other was too busy chatting to Mark, not paying any attention to them. He turned to glare at Renjun.

“Shut up, will you?!” he whisper-yelled.

“Woah, someone’s cranky when they’re horny. Maybe you should try shoving a Snickers up your ass,” Donghyuck snickered before rolling his eyes at the other’s panicked expression. “Just go, Jeno. Take care of it. I’m sure you’ll be back in time.” Jeno nodded, hurrying off towards the nearest bathroom. Again.

He locked himself in a stall, his breathing heavy as he started to stress out even more. Believe it or not, he hadn’t been met with a situation like this in a very long time, spare from some morning wood, so this came as quite the surprise, to say the least. It was because he and Jaemin hadn’t done anything in a while, he knew it. He cursed, bonking his head against the stall door.

This time, though, he didn’t feel any shame as he thought about Jaemin. He thought about the younger’s hand on his dick, the younger’s mouth on his dick (even though that hadn’t happened yet), and his mind flickered to what it would be like to have the younger fuck him, to just be taken raw and rough right there, in a dirty bathroom stall. He tried to shake the thought away as quickly as it had come, but to no avail. He had no clue what it would feel like, but Jeno could imagine that it would feel fucking fantastic, if the gay porn he had ‘accidentally’ stumbled upon was anything to go by. He was sure it would feel so full and pure and that Jaemin would just be so  _ dominant _ . He kind of hoped Jaemin would walk in and give him the real thing, but he knew that was unlikely to happen, so he got himself to the edge as quickly as possible, eventually coming into some toilet paper to the thought of Jaemin’s dick up his ass, grunting said boy’s name softly. He panted for a few seconds, recollecting himself before walking out. He washed his hands thoroughly, checked his stage clothes for any stains before he decided that the coast was clear. It was only when he walked out that he realised that he didn’t  _ have  _ to think about Jaemin when he was jacking off. He could think about literally any girl he thought was hot, and yet his mind could only come up with Jaemin. He blamed the fact that he associated the entire thing with the younger, promising himself to think about a pretty girl next time. (Even if he still couldn’t think of one right now.)

When he joined the others again, Jisung gave him a soft pat on the back. “Happens to the best of us, hyung.”

He groaned, feeling a blush creep up his neck again. “Guys, can we just-”

“No, man, it’s funny as hell,” Donghyuck snorted, “Anyways, we still have ten minutes left, so you’re back pretty quick, dude. What or who could you possibly have been thinking about that got you there  _ that  _ fast and why are you not making millions from it?”

Jeno’s eyes flickered to Jaemin, only to find the younger looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Jeno immediately tore his gaze away. “Please, guys, just- let it go, yeah?”

After a few more embarrassing comments from Donghyuck and a ‘told you so’ look from Renjun, they got the call to head on stage. Everything went as smoothly as it could with some clearly built up tension between all of them, and Jeno hoped no one in the crowd noticed how nervous he felt. Whether they did or not, the cheers and fanchants kept him going, soon enough ridding his mind of any more worries. He danced with all he had left, hitting every beat without faltering. He was tired, but not tired enough to let it affect him. He was a professional, he couldn’t afford to, even if all he wanted was to just  _ sleep _ .

As soon as the stage was over, they wasted no time in putting their normal clothes back on and quickly getting in the van. After a silent ride back, Mark and Donghyuck decided to practice some more for some upcoming NCT 127 projects, whilst Jisung and Chenle ordered them all some food and then headed off to chat with Ten, who was just chilling in his own room. Renjun, Jaemin and Jeno were sitting on the couch, the silence consuming Jeno mercilessly. Jaemin didn’t know that Renjun knew about them, and that didn’t sit well with Jeno. Apparently, it didn’t sit right with Renjun, either.

“I know about you two, by the way,” he spoke casually, grabbing the bag of dried fruit next to him and nibbling on some mango. “Just thought you should know, Jaemin, since Jeno probably didn’t tell you.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows shot up. “What?” He looked towards Jeno in confusion, who just averted his eyes.

“I know about you two,” Renjun repeated, quickly checking to see if no one was coming. “About what you guys are doing, you know, behind closed doors. No need to act dumb.”

“Wh-” Jaemin shot Jeno another look before moving his eyes back to Renjun. Jeno could see the younger’s mind was struggling to keep up. “How?”

“Figured it out a long time ago,” he shrugged, “Just because the others are fucking dense doesn’t mean I am. You’re not as sneaky as you think, you know?”

“And you knew?” Jaemin asked Jeno in disbelief.

Jeno kicked at nothing, pursing his lips. “Well- I mean… yeah…”

Jaemin gaped at him, before snapping his head back to Renjun. “Wait…” He tilted his head down, looking up through his lashes. “What exactly do you know…?”

Renjun sighed, grumbling something under his breath before looking up with an incredibly forced smile. “I know that you guys had this stupid plan which started off with you just making out and eventually ended up with- you know what, fuck that, it doesn’t matter.”

“He heard us when you were, you know, doing that one thing to me, you know, the,” Jeno made some vague hand gestures, coughing, “So, yeah, uh, he knows basically everything.” He looked up guiltily, meeting Jaemin’s angry eyes. “Please don’t be mad at me for not saying anything.”

Jaemin shook his head, eyebrows furrowed. “But- why didn’t you, though?”

“It just…” he shrugged, looking at his hands, “...didn’t come up? No, I don’t know, I didn’t know how to bring it up, I guess…” 

Jeno watched his fingers move when he wanted them to, making him realise they were indeed still his own. Everything was getting strange again, too real. Their bubble was starting to burst, and Jeno didn’t like it. He didn’t want anyone to know about what they were doing.

Jaemin thought about all of it for a few seconds, trying to process this new information. “I only thought Mark knew about it, because of how he keeps looking between us strangely, I just-” he rubbed his temples, scrunching up his nose, “Renjun, you don’t… mind, do you?”

“Well,” the older started, “I think you’re both fucking stupid, for one,” Jeno frowned, opening his mouth to interject, but Renjun quickly continued, “but as long as you don’t seriously hurt each other or our group and you two are really on the  _ same page one hundred percent _ ,” his eyes shot between them, “then sure, do whatever, I guess. Just…” He sighed, his face looking pained. “Be careful, please?”

Jeno shot Renjun a smile, choosing to ignore the passive aggressive tone. “We will be. Don’t worry, Junnie.”

Jaemin still looked slightly shocked by the whole thing, but nodded as well, forcing himself to smile. “Yes, we’re good.”

“Good.” Renjun gave a curt nod.

“Yeah.”

Someone suddenly knocked on the door, probably with their food. Renjun looked at either one of them one more time before he got up and answered it, bringing the delivered food over to the kitchen and calling for everyone to hurry and dig in. Jeno silently thanked whatever entity was out there for saving them from this painfully awkward situation. 

Jaemin looked at him, and Jeno carefully met his eyes. They knew they had to talk about it some more, as well as Jeno’s…  _ situation _ from before, but for now, Jeno just shot him a smile and got up, pulling the younger with him. Jaemin hesitantly let himself get dragged along to the kitchen. Jeno was quick to unclasp their hands as soon as they entered the sight of the others, ignoring the sad look on the younger’s face.

“Oooh, Japanese!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands.

“Yeah, man, that’s more like it,” Mark nodded, smiling brightly as he loaded some sushi onto his plate. Jeno followed suit, moaning as he saw all of the beautiful colours, the smell of raw fish and seaweed creeping up his nostrils. He turned towards Jaemin.

“You want some?”

Jaemin shook his head, forcing out a tight smile. “I think I’ll pass, I’m not really hungry.”

“You gotta eat, though,” Jeno frowned.

“Really, Jen,” Jaemin put a hand on the his shoulder, “I’m good. Maybe I’ll eat some later tonight.”

Jeno nodded hesitantly, ignoring the pleasant burning sensation on the spot where Jaemin’s hand lay. They stared at each other, gaze heavy as Jeno let out a shaky breath. He felt overwhelmed with a sudden urge to kiss the younger, and not even necessarily on lips, just anywhere; nose, cheeks, forehead- wherever. His eyes softened, his heart melting at the sight of the other’s pink lips and glimmering eyes. Jaemin was staring back at him with the same look on his face, although it carried a hint of something else, too, something Jeno couldn’t place.

“Hyung, you gonna eat that?” Jisung questioned, eyeing the food on Jeno’s plate hungrily.

Jeno snapped out of it, walking over to flick the other’s forehead. “Mine. Don’t touch.”

“Are you guys talking about the food or Jaemin?” Donghyuck asked with an amused smirk, quickly looking away and whistling when Jeno shot him a glare.

Mark cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go eat this in the living room, I don’t know about you guys…” He walked off, the others nodding and following him. All of them, except for Jaemin and Jeno.

“Let’s go to my room,” Jaemin declared firmly, walking off before the older could reply. Jeno frowned, quickly looking towards the living room before going after the younger.

When Jeno entered the room, Jaemin was sitting at his desk, staring at the wall. He closed the door behind.

Jaemin’s head shot up, accusingly staring the other down. “Tell me, does Hyuck know, too? Does everyone suddenly know?”

“Not that I know of,” Jeno hastily let out, not able to deal with the younger’s burning eyes and looking away.

“Anyone else?”

Jeno shook his head. He heard the younger sigh before footsteps were coming his way. A hand on his chin forced his face up, eyes locking with Jaemin’s once more, which looked a lot less hostile now. Said boy gave him a soft smile. “Jeno, I’m not mad. I get it.”

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “You do?”

Jaemin nodded. “It’s fine. It’s no big deal unless we make it one.”

Jeno threw him a relieved smile. “Okay.”

Jaemin quickly pecked his lips, eyes darkening as he smirked. “You better drop by my room tonight.” Jeno gulped as the younger leaned in right next to his ear. “I want to know what you what you were thinking about when you had that little… problem earlier today,” he whispered huskily, smirking against the other’s ear. With that, Jaemin pulled away, moving past him to head towards the living room. 

Jeno stood there in shock for at least a minute before he forced himself to get it together and joined the others, no longer hungry for  _ just  _ the sushi.

  
  
  
  


 

“And then what happened?” Jaemin purred, trailing kisses down the other’s jaw. Jeno whimpered.

“Then you- ah-” Jaemin’s hand started palming him through his jeans, “Then you got down on your knees…”

“Oh, did I, now?” He felt the younger smirk against his neck. “And then what did I do?”

“You- you-” Jaemin dropped down to his knees, making Jeno let out a shaky breath, “You undid my pants and-” he watched Jaemin undo his pants, looking up with teasing eyes, “And you- you pulled them down to-” Jaemin pulled his pants down, boxers going along with it. Jeno whimpered as the cold air hit his rock hard member.

“Then what did I do?” he asked, faking oblivion as he tilted his head to the side.

“Jaemin, please,” Jeno begged, shuddering with a desperate look in his eyes.

“Sorry, not quite sure I understand what you want,” Jaemin frowned, tapping his chin as he looked at the older’s dick.

Jeno groaned. “Just fucking suck me off, please.”

“Aah…” Jaemin let out, “You want me to…? Aah…” he nodded, “I see…”

“Jaeminnnn,” Jeno whined, “Don’t tease me, please.”

“But it’s so much fun,” Jaemin pouted, “You’re so easy to wind up,” he gave a small peck to the tip of Jeno’s dick, “Besides,” - a kitten lick - “it’s my first time sucking dick,” he nuzzled it against his cheek, “isn’t a dude allowed to be nervous?”

Jeno groaned. “Oh God, don’t put ‘sucking dick’ and ‘dude’ in the same sentence, please.”

“Oh right, sorry, forgot that you don’t like the idea of a  _ dude _ sucking your _ dick _ .” Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Might as well stop, then,” he let out with a dramatic sigh, getting up from the floor.

“Wait, no!” Jeno gripped his wrist, causing the other to turn around with an innocent smile on his lips. Jeno gulped. “Don’t stop? Please?”

“Don’t stop what?”

Jeno looked at him with exasperation. “Jaemin-”

“Yes?”

He squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment before he let them lock on the younger in front of him. Jaemin just blinked at him, still smiling.

“Can you just, please- I-”

Jaemin stepped closer, brushing some hair out of the older’s face. “Oh… You mean you kind of want a  _ dude  _ to  _ suck  _ your _ dick _ ?” He brushed their lips together, lowering his voice to a near whisper. “But are you  _ really _ ,  _ positively _ sure you want a  _ dude  _ to  _ suck  _ your-”

“Yes, I get it! Just- fuck, please do,” Jeno begged, eyes blown out with lust. “But I’m not gay, and you’re not gay.”

“Right. Of course we aren’t. Nothing gay about sucking dick,” Jaemin nodded, dropping back down to his knees and wasting no time in closing his mouth around the other’s tip. Jeno let out a loud mewl, eyes rolling back. Whatever he had imagined before, the real thing was much,  _ much _ better.

Jaemin pulled away, looking up through his lashes. “Have you met a cute girl yet?” He licked a stripe down the side of his dick, using his hands to fondle Jeno’s balls, all while remaining eye contact.

Jeno moaned. “Jaemin-”

Jaemin used his hands to stroke him a few times, licking the head like it was a lolly pop. “Do you think she’ll be as good at this as me?”

Jeno panted hard, shaking his head. “Don’t- don’t do this-”

Jaemin took him back in, moving down the entire way. He kept himself there for a few seconds before he pulled back with an extremely lewd sounding sloshing noise. He pouted up, eyes dark. “Does she have a gag reflex?” Before Jeno could reply, Jaemin was back to it, deepthroating him without a single problem. Jeno moaned loudly at the sight and feeling combined, covering his mouth.

“Have you- have you really never done this before?” Jeno stammered out, hissing when the younger’s tongue poked at his slit. He decided to ignore Jaemin’s questions, not knowing what the other was trying to achieve here.

Jaemin looked up, disconnecting himself from the older’s dick. “I haven’t, I just watch porn.” He trailed small kisses down Jeno’s shaft. “Was sucking your dick the only thing I did in your imagination?”

Jeno squirmed. “...Maybe, maybe not.”

“Hmm, really?” Jaemin suckled on the tip, smirking around it. Jeno gasped as the younger moved down to his balls, licking at them.

“Ah- yes.”

“Hmm,” Jaemin hummed against them, biting softly at the sensitive skin before moving back up to take Jeno’s dick in his mouth. Jeno groaned, head falling back against the door. They hadn’t made it very far into the room, okay?

The tightness was building up in his body again, pleasure clouding his mind more and more as the younger casually deepthroated him multiple times in a row. He loved how Jaemin was in complete control, despite having Jeno’s dick in his mouth.

“Jaemin, fuck- I’m close-”

Jaemin pulled away completely, causing Jeno to let out a desperate whine. The younger’s eyes were sparkling with mischief. “Really? You think you can come before me?”

“Jaemin-” he croaked out, a pleading look on his face. Jaemin stood up, kissing the older to shut him up.

“I’m sure you can find a way to make me come, can’t you, Jeno? I’d hurry up if I were you, if you plan on coming yourself, that is,” he mumbled against the other’s lips.

A groan. “God, why me?”

But it wasn’t Jeno who had spoken, nor Jaemin; it had been from the other side of the door.

They both froze, looking at each other with wide eyes. Jaemin jumped away. “Oh my God, was that-”

Jeno hastily pulled his pants back up, opening the door quickly only to see the maknae standing in the kitchen, warming up some milk with a traumatised look on his face.

“Jisung, oh my God- we-”

Jisung shook his head hastily, putting his hand up. “Just- save it, please? I don’t care what the fuck you get up to in your spare time, just, for the love of God, keep it  _ down _ , fucking hell.”

Jaemin slowly went up to him, moving to put a hand on his shoulder. Jisung was quick to shake it off, shaking his head even quicker as he grimaced with wide eyes. “Ew! I don’t know where that hand has been!”

“Jisung,” Jeno tried again, feeling as conflicted as Jaemin looked. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to-”

“Listen, everyone in this dorm knows you two fuck, okay? I just- fuck, I hoped I would never fall victim to actually hearing it, Jesus Christ.”

Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other simultaneously, a thread of dread connecting their gaze. Jaemin snapped out of it, stepping back from Jisung. “Wait, what?”

“Renjun and I know, I don’t know about the others,” Jisung muttered, rolling his eyes, “It’s not exactly hard to miss if you’re living here, and if the others aren’t stupid then they’ve probably noticed the chronic sexual tension between you two as well.”

Jeno couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think. They weren’t- wait, they weren’t that obvious, were they? Especially not when they weren’t doing stuff? He looked at Jaemin again, feeling so confused as his stomach tightened once more, this time for an entirely different reason. His breathing was getting heavier, the sudden urge to run and hide overwhelming him as he stared at Jaemin with desperate eyes. Jaemin thankfully noticed and decided to be the one to speak up, but an “I’m sorry” was all he could manage.

“You better be, but not for fucking each other. Everyone got their issues, glad you figured them out, just shut the hell up about it now and be  _ quieter _ .” Jeno saw Jaemin frown, the younger probably wondering if they had been the one to corrupt Jisung’s innocence like that.

“We’re not really fucking,” Jeno shot out quickly, “And we’re not gay, it’s just- it’s not what it seems, I swear, don’t worry.” Why he was feeling the urge to clarify once more when Jisung had clearly wished to end the conversation, he didn’t know, but he guessed he just wanted to make sure nothing was misunderstood?

“Tell that little Jeno over there as well, yeah?” Jisung cringed, pointing at Jeno’s pants, “Anyways, I’m going back to bed. I’m no longer thirsty, so you guys can keep the milk. Wait- No pun- Okay, fuck this, I’m leaving, bye.” And then he stormed off, face still painted with a look of horror.

Jaemin and Jeno glanced at each other once more. They didn’t know what to say, what needed to be said, what all of this meant. If more and more people found out, that would lead to disastrous things like the agency finding out, or Dispatch and then the public, and then they were  _ really _ fucked. 

Jeno felt their bubble busting more and more. They were being misunderstood, and the others, they didn’t understand- the world wouldn’t-

“Shh, it’s okay.” Jaemin suddenly wrapped his arms around him, only making Jeno realise he was crying as a wet patch slowly started forming on the younger’s t-shirt, but he just let himself get it out (not that he had any control over it, anyways), the other rubbing a soothing hand down his back. “It doesn’t matter what they think. As long as the public doesn’t find out, we’re fine,” Jaemin whispered into his hair.

Jeno buried his face in the younger’s neck, letting the tears fall freely as sobs shook his body. Jaemin just kept comforting him, pressing kisses onto the crown of his head and pulling the other closer than should be physically possible.

“I- I’m not- we’re- we can’t b- be- we-”

“I know, Jen, it’s okay, we’re okay, don’t worry.”

Jeno didn’t know what to do. He felt weak, so, so weak, and not in the way he liked. He didn’t feel like himself, felt so far from it. Their bubble was bursting, their bubble was bursting, their bubble- 

He let another sob take over, loudly whimpering into the younger’s shirt. He didn’t know why the hell he was freaking out, why he felt like he had something to freak out over, he just did, and it hurt, it hurt so bad.

Everything that happened after that happened in a haze. Eventually, the younger had somehow gotten them back to Jaemin’s room, had helped the Jeno get dressed into sleep appropriate clothes and had tucked him in before joining the older, all the while muttering words of comfort.

Jeno fell asleep with tears still streaming down his face, Jaemin cuddling him close, and his entire body still not feeling like his own.

 

 

 

Things hadn’t gone kind of back to normal this time for a pretty long while. Mark and Donghyuck were back in the 127 dorm again most of the time, and Ten was training hard with the Chinese subunit that was bound to debut later that year, so their dorm was relatively empty. Jeno had avoided everyone for the first week after Jisung had caught them, including avoiding himself as much as he could. He had focused solely on training for upcoming projects, studying for school, MCing for The Show and working out, not allowing himself to think any more than was absolutely necessary. He had felt nauseous every time he had so much as caught a glimpse of Jaemin, and he hadn’t known why. Everytime they had gotten back from schedules, Jeno had disappeared to his own room immediately, making sure he’d fall asleep before Jisung and Renjun could come in. He hadn’t been able to deal with what they must’ve been thinking about him, how he must’ve no longer been manly in their eyes, just a submissive pussy boy, and somehow the only solution that he’d been able to come up with was blame Jaemin.

Jaemin had kept hanging out with the others like nothing was wrong, but then again he didn’t have his pride to lose as much as Jeno did. Jeno was the taller one, the bulkier one, the manlier one, and yet he submitted to Jaemin with only the snap of the fingers, like a little fucking bitch. Jaemin had only had something to gain from it, is what Jeno had justified his anger with, because he had been the one that had managed to make another man submit to his will, wrapped around his finger. It sounded a bit irrational, even to Jeno, but he hadn’t cared. He had been uncomfortable, upset and just generally lost.

And yet he had missed the younger so much. He had missed Jaemin’s hands, his mouth on his, his body pressed close. He had missed being held, had missed being taken care of, and he had just wanted to have the other near. No one could comfort him quite like Jaemin could, and that had always been like that, even way before they had started doing… whatever they fuck they had started doing. So, after a while, the nausea and anger he had felt whenever he saw the younger had morphed into longing and desperation.

A month after their promotions had ended is when Jeno stopped avoiding all of them. He talked to Jaemin and they decided to keep things on the down low for a bit, enough for other things around them to settle some more and for them to not start to feel too dependent on each other. They were getting older, and so the hormones were getting less anyways, so no big deal.

He went to Jisung, tried to explain the whole situation, but Jisung just looked like he wanted to die the entire time, so he left it at it after saying what he had wanted to say. Amidst it all, Jaemin and Jeno had decided to explain it to Mark, as well, just so the older would hopefully stop giving them  _ that _ look, which yes, he still did occasionally, even after all that time. Mark reacted relatively okay, saying that he and Donghyuck had already talked about the whole homophobia thing some more and that he didn’t really care what others did anymore, to which Jeno tried to explain that it had nothing to do with homo-anything, to which Mark only frowned and nodded with a confused look on his face.

He didn’t talk to Donghyuck and Chenle, because they couldn’t be sure if the two even knew anything in the first place, and Renjun already knew everything so that conversation wasn’t necessary, either.

As soon as they talked to (nearly) everyone, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off Jeno’s shoulders. Yes, he kind of wanted to go back to how things were with Jaemin, to the stuff they had been doing, but he knew that for now it was better to just  _ not _ . He had been getting too invested in it, and had felt like he had been losing himself in the younger’s touch. It still terrified him how he had had thoughts about the younger outside of what they had been doing, so for now he just focused on making sure he thought about women when he jacked off, as challenging as that had become for some reason. (Maybe because he had never been with a woman, he reasoned.)

By the time they were preparing for We Go Up, things had really settled down fully. Even though things with him and Jaemin still weren’t completely back to how they used to be, they were alright. They talked, hung out with just the two of them, got comfortable around each other again, everything to rebuild their friendship. Jeno had decided to ignore the way the younger would stare at his lips, and Jaemin had decided to ignore the way the older moaned his name in his sleep whenever he had decided to crash in Jaemin’s room. They couldn’t afford losing everything they had worked so hard for simply because they were sexually frustrated pubescent teens. They had more willpower than that.

After We Go Up, the sexual tension between them seemed to lessen even more. Jeno even found a girl to do some things with, to help with some pent up frustration from not having Jaemin to take care of it anymore. He ignored how weird boobs felt in his hands, ignored how ugly vaginas looked, ignored everything for the sake of just getting off with someone else’s hand on his dick instead of his own. But he was the one who had to take control of it. Every. Single. Time. He was the one who had to hold her after she had sucked  _ his _ dick and not the other way around, because she obviously didn’t have one for Jeno to suck and she didn’t feel like holding someone who was much taller than her. Eating her out wasn’t the same as sucking dick, either, because she was still the one writhing and squirming and begging for him to let her cum. He convinced himself that it was better this way, that this was what it was supposed to be like. And yet, he could never go all the way with her. They did a lot of other stuff, obviously, but everytime they got close to actually doing  _ it _ , Jeno just simply… couldn’t. It didn’t feel right. He told himself it was because he just didn’t feel ready yet, like so many other people at his age. That was completely normal, a completely fine excuse, something that she respected as well.

He had told the other dreamies about her immediately, trying to seem proud but actually feeling slightly pathetic for some reason. Their reactions had been quite contrasting, with Chenle congratulating him, Donghyuck teasing him immediately and Renjun just looking at him with a tight smile. Mark had looked positively relieved, and Jisung had rubbed his neck awkwardly before congratulating him as well. As for Jaemin, the younger hadn’t really reacted. Jeno had thought he would’ve been happy for him, proud of him, patting his back like the best friend he was, but the other had just remained silent at first, forcing out a smile as he muttered an ‘okay’ before walking away.

The others knew when Jeno had been with her, because he would come home and use up all of their warm water to take extra long showers. He just felt like he needed to be extra clean after having had her pussy juice on his fingers, after having had her lips on his neck and on his dick, the thought always making him shudder after the moment was over. At least he seemed to last a lot longer these days, which worked quite well for his ego.

“So, Jeno,” Donghyuck started one evening, all of them sitting on the ground in the practice room after an exhausting session. “Have you gone all the way with her yet?”

Jeno took a sip of water and shrugged, not daring to look over at Jaemin. “No, we haven’t gone further than third base.”

“Damn, your time will just not come, huh?” Donghyuck shook his head, faking pity as he tutted.

“Is she not ready?” Chenle asked with a small smile, “Because then you’re good for respecting that.”

“Oh, trust me, she’s ready,” Jeno muttered, drawing patterns on the floor with his left foot. “I just- the moment has never been right, I guess.” He stood up, moving to grab a granola bar from his bag. He could feel eyes burning on the back off his head the entire time.

“Well, anyways,” Donghyuck continued, dying to get to the real reason he had brought up the topic, “I’ve finally kissed someone.”

“Oh my God, really?” Jisung asked in disbelief. Jeno walked back up to them, sitting down and ripping off the plastic.

“Don’t look so surprised, you fucker!” Donghyuck snapped, pulling off a shoe and throwing it towards the youngest before sighing with a dreamy look on his face. “Anyways, it happened backstage after a music show.”

“Who was she?” Mark asked, munching on some prawn chips. Donghyuck gaped at the older with an incredulous look on his face.

“Really, hyung?”

Mark shrugged, blinking innocently. “Just curious.” Jeno noticed his eyes looked empty.

The younger just sighed, shaking his head in disappointment. “Doesn’t matter who it was, but it was great. I’m this much closer to being a true man, guys. Watch me lose my virginity before any of you losers.” He winked at Jeno, who took a bite from his granola bar. “You better be quick, man.”

Renjun groaned. “It’s not a competition, dude, and if it does happen, please don’t share every detail with us,  _ please _ .”

“But you guys are my homies! Who else am I supposed to talk to?!”

“The person you’ll have been with?” Renjun suggested, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

By the looks on everyone’s faces, they all hated this conversation equally. Clearly, no one in this room had any interest in hearing anything about what Donghyuck would ever do with  _ anyone _ , and Jeno quickly wiped the image of Donghyuck having sex with a girl out of his mind, trying hard not to gag. Then again, even the thought of fucking the girl  _ he _ was seeing made him want to gag.

They all sat there for a while, munching on whatever snacks they managed to get their hands on. Their manager had just sent them a message that the van would be there in about fifteen minutes, so now they just had to wait, bored out of their minds.

“Let’s play truth or dare,” Donghyuck proposed eventually. Or rather,  _ demanded _ .

Mark groaned. “Not this shit again. Seriously, what’s your obsession with this stupid-”

“Okay, Mark hyung, truth or dare?” Donghyuck asked, completely ignoring the other.

The older shot him a look, eventually complying as always. “Fine. Truth, I guess.”

“Have you ever done more with a girl than just kissing?”

“Jesus Christ, sexual topics immediately? Really, Hyuck? God, I-” he squeezed his eyes shut, “No?”

Donghyuck sighed. “Boring, man. Okay, your turn, hurry up.”

“Right,” Mark cleared his throat, “Chenle…” said boy looked up with wide eyes, “...truth or dare?”

“Uhm, truth?” he answered, smiling nervously.

“Don’t worry, I’m not Hyuck,” Mark quickly reassured, “How old were you when you last peed your pants?”

“Ew, gross, what the fuck,” Jisung complained, shuddering.

Chenle rolled his eyes, completely unphased. “Does that day count where you didn’t let me go to the toilet during that livestream and I  _ nearly  _ wet my pants?”

“Okay, fine, whatever, your turn, then,” Mark grumbled, looking down.

Chenle’s eyes went bright. “Okay, Jaemin hyung! Truth or dare!”

“Truth,” Jaemin replied immediately, causing Donghyuck to groan.

“Right, so it’s gonna be like this, huh? Might as well make it truth or truth,” he muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Okay, hyung,” Chenle went on, ignoring the older, “Do you have a crush on anyone?”

Jaemin seemed to be in thought for a bit, looking down. Jeno saw him hesitate, dread filling his own stomach before the younger finally opened his mouth. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

Chenle sat up straighter. “Really?!” He hastily scooted closer. “Oh my God, hyung, who?! You never have crushes!”

“One question at a time,” Jaemin grinned, light not reaching his eyes. “Jisung, truth or dare?”

“Uhm…” 

Donghyuck glared at him. 

Jisung gulped. “Dare?” he muttered out with an uncertain voice, quickly looking away from his hyung’s intimidating eyes.

Jaemin tapped his chin. “I dare you to kiss Mark hyung’s cheek.”

“What?! Why am  _ I _ the victim of  _ his _ dare?!” Mark shrieked, looking seriously offended.

“Go on, Jisung,” Jaemin encouraged, smiling innocently. Jeno saw Renjun hide a grin behind his water bottle.

Jisung groaned, but went over to Mark anyways. Chenle shriek-laughed as the maknae hesitantly pressed his lips against his hyung’s cheek, face as red as a strawberry. Donghyuck hooted loudly, shaking his hands like they were on fire while Jaemin looked at Mark with a face-splitting grin. Jeno saw Renjun just quietly observing everything, looking slightly amused. 

Jeno wanted to care about what was going on, but remained passive, only one thing on his mind. Jaemin had a crush on someone? The thought made his intestines twirl, his eyebrows furrow and his breathing stop. He couldn’t believe the younger hadn’t told him, yet then again, for some reason, Jeno felt like he had rather not known at all. Like, ever. He didn’t know why he felt like crying, a sudden sadness overwhelming his entire body and mind.

Suddenly, fingers were snapping in front of his face.

“Hello? Earth to Jeno? I asked you truth or dare,” Donghyuck let out impatiently. Jeno frowned. Another round had passed already? He hadn’t even realised.

Jeno thought about it, trying to figure out which one would be worse when it came to Donghyuck being in control. He really didn’t feel like confronting any kinds of uncomfortable truths, and he thought maybe the younger would have pity on him if he chose the less popular option, so he just went with it, going against his gut feeling.

“Right. Dare, I guess.”

“Yes! We love a true lad!” Donghyuck exclaimed triumphantically, eyes immediately glimmering with something that made Jeno shiver. “Oh, this is gonna be good… all the power in my hands to make you do whatever I want…”

“Hyuck, for God’s sake,” Jeno groaned. Maybe truth would have been the safer option after all.

Donghyuck smirked, scanning everyone in the room before his contemplating gaze landed on Jaemin, whom’s eyes immediately filled with panic and silent pleads.

“Okay, I know.” He smiled back at Jeno. “I dare you to kiss Jaemin. On the lips.”

Okay, truth had definitely been the safer option.

Jeno felt his gut fill with too many emotions all at once, the most prominently present one being pure and utter  _ fear _ . They hadn’t kissed in ages, and he was afraid of what it would feel like to have the younger’s lips on his again. He didn’t want to admit he missed it, didn’t want to acknowledge that he  _ wanted _ to kiss Jaemin. Badly.

“Donghyuck,” Mark and Renjun warned simultaneously, looking at each other in surprise before turning back to the mischievous boy. Donghyuck blinked, still smiling innocently.

“For at least five seconds,” he added. He looked around the room when silence fell, frowning. “What? It’s a dare or it isn’t a dare, we don’t do soft shit in this household.”

Jeno’s fight or flight instinct tried to convince him of running the fuck away, of leaving this bullshit as it was. His head started pounding, noise becoming foggy for a few seconds. Jaemin was looking at him with a look he couldn’t decipher, eyes almost holding something panicked, yet also desperate. But that couldn’t be it. They were fine now, they weren’t doing anything anymore. Besides, it wasn’t anything they hadn’t done before, Jeno reasoned, and if he didn’t do it, Donghyuck would never let it go and call him a wimp. Then again, if he did do it, Donghyuck wouldn’t let it go, either, so he couldn’t win, something he should’ve expected from a dare by the younger.

But now Jaemin and Jeno both liked someone, right? That made it more justified, even less of a threat to his manhood. They liked other people, so it would be fine. There was nothing left to lose at this point. They definitely, one hundred percent weren’t gay, which was only even more certain now. It was simple, so simple.

Before he could chicken out, he lunged forward, crashing his lips against Jaemin’s. For a single second his mind blanked again, only registering the younger’s lips on his after what felt like ages. It had been so long, too long, and he revelled in the feeling of finally tasting Jaemin like this again, so familiar.

But then he realised Jaemin had been frozen in place the entire time, not kissing back. His conscious thoughts immediately returned and he broke their kiss, scrambling backwards. He cursed to himself, hurt blurring his eyes as he realised that they didn’t do that anymore, that they indeed both liked other people, and that it probably wouldn’t ever happen again. In the back of his head he noticed a single person hollering, a lot of awkward silence, and many shocked eyes staring at them, but it was all foggy. That’s when he realised Jaemin’s eyes were clouded as well.

The younger shot up, running out of the practice room.

  
  
  
  


 

He felt like they were back to square one, and Jeno wanted to cry. He was so mad at Donghyuck, so mad at Jaemin for making it even worse by bolting, and so, so mad at himself for just  _ everything _ . Somehow, despite how much he had tried to justify it in that moment, he had  _ known  _ somewhere in his heart that he would’ve been crossing an unspoken line. And yet he had still crossed it. Great.

None of them talked to each other on the van ride back. Donghyuck didn’t apologise, even though Mark, Jisung  _ and  _ Renjun kept glaring at him the entire time. When they got back to the dorm, Jaemin immediately locked himself in his room, not reacting to any of the pleads from the others. 

Jeno walked up to his own room like a zombie, like he had temporarily gone brain dead from what had happened. He slammed his head against his door as soon as he entered, wanting to scream out in frustration. He didn’t care how much it hurt his forehead, nothing comparing to the mental pain right now. He ran a hand through his hair, on the verge of tears. He couldn’t stop thinking about it all, about how Jaemin’s lips had felt on his after so long of going without, about how disappointed he had been when Jaemin hadn’t really kissed back, how he liked someone else, and about how he had immediately run off afterwards. But the again, Jeno had only followed the rules, had just done the dare like he had been supposed to, and yet it fucking hurt, and he felt fucking guilty, and he fucking hated himself and everyone and everything and just-

He sighed. He wanted to blame Donghyuck, convinced himself he did, but somehow, deep inside, he could only blame himself. It was clear that Jaemin had been hurt by his action, maybe because the younger just liked a girl that much, or because he thought it was like Jeno was cheating on his own girl. Whatever it had been, it had really affected the boy. Jeno wanted to go to his room, wanted to comfort him, wanted to hold him, be close to him and cry with him for reasons he didn’t understand and really didn’t want to think about, just allowing himself to act on his instincts again after so long. If he shut off his mind and all of his thoughts, all he wanted was to go back to how they had been months ago, when they had still been meeting up in Jaemin’s room in the middle of the night, when everything had felt so natural and okay. Jeno didn’t want that girl, because no matter how much he tried to ignore it, she had never made him feel the same. He thought she was whiny and annoying, asking him to give her things he could simply never give. He couldn’t explain why any of this was happening, why he was feeling like that when there was such a pretty girl available, willing him to do anything he wanted to her body, and yet he didn’t want to do fucking  _ anything  _ to her body. He couldn’t explain why he had felt his heart shatter as soon as Jaemin had said he had a crush, why he had wanted to burst out in tears when Jaemin had looked so utterly assaulted after their kiss.

He let his body collapse onto the bed and screamed into the pillow with all that he had. It had gone so well for months, everything seeming that much more normal. Things had been the way they were supposed to be, so why now? What did he ever do to deserve this bullshit? Couldn’t everything just be fucking  _ simple _ ? 

He noticed the pillow was getting wet, his angry screaming having turned into wretched sobs as his heart clenched. It was too much. He felt like he was going to die, like this pain could only mean the end; it was too overwhelming, too much, just  _ too much _ , he couldn’t fucking  _ breathe _ .

He stayed like that for ages, sobbing and screaming and feeling like everything was going wrong. He was vaguely aware of some yelling going on in the living room, but he didn’t care. He shouted curses at Donghyuck into his pillow for making all of this shit go down, curses at Jaemin for making him feel like this, curses at the world for being the way it was, and curses at himself for still not being able to fucking understand anything. Was he fucking stupid or something? Did he do the calculations wrong? Jeno had never been good at maths, had always wondered when he would ever need that shit, but now he realised, and this was an equation he just couldn’t seem to figure out.

_ Knock, knock, knock. _

He froze, his heart filling with hope for a split second. Was it-

“Jeno? I’m sorry.” It was Donghyuck’s voice, not Jaemin. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know- I-” 

And now Donghyuck knew. They had told Donghyuck. 

Jeno panicked even more, eyes filling with a new batch of tears, ready to sting his cheeks. But if they had told Donghyuck, wouldn’t that mean that the younger would’ve felt even less bad about it, considering Jeno and Jaemin’s intentions?

“Jeno, please open the door, I’m sorry-” The other sounded desperate, nearly as desperate as Jeno felt. “I talked to Jaemin, and he’s back with the others, doing a lot better now, so please just-”

Jeno sat up. He kind of wanted to wait until the younger would go away, but he felt like he was gonna explode if he didn’t have someone to yell at, or at least talk to. He got up, opened the door without looking, and fell back down on the bed, this time landing on his back.

“Jeno, I really didn’t know, okay? I swear I didn’t know, I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry if you now know, though?!” Jeno exclaimed, getting seriously worked up. “If you know why we were doing it, then you should feel even more like it was no problem for us to kiss again just now!” He ran a hand through his hair and huffed. “We’re idols, Donghyuck. It’s not like we’ll suddenly no longer be straight if we kiss a dude. We should have no problem with doing that, so of course Jaemin is doing better now, because he realised it wasn’t anything different because we’re all fucking straight!”

Donghyuck looked conflicted. “Jeno, I’m gay too, it’s okay to feel-”

“Shut up!” Jeno slammed his fist against the wall. “Just shut the fuck up!”

Donghyuck flinched, tears welling up in his eyes. “Jeno-”

“No! You’re not gay!” He paced around his room, hands pulling at his hair before he stopped to snap his head towards Donghyuck, fire burning in his eyes. “We’re idols!”

Tears were spilling down the younger’s cheeks, his eyes filled with betrayal.

Jeno’s heart felt like it was being torn to shreds even more, but- he couldn’t… he just- “You- you-” his voice was trembling, “We’d all be fucking miserable for the rest of our lives because everyone’s watching us and we wouldn’t be able to love and- and-”

His brain was short circuiting, the world becoming hazy as too many tears were welling up in his eyes, blurring his vision. He hurriedly pushed past the younger, storming off towards the bathroom and locking himself in it. He slid down the door, trying to calm himself down.

And now here he is, a few minutes later, leaning over the sink and the mirror has never looked this odd before. He doesn’t recognise himself. His eyes look strange, his mouth just doesn’t feel right, he can’t process anything.

His eyes still look strange, his breathing feels out of place, his sense of smell feels violated and his ears feel like they’re not supposed to be there in that moment, or moments ago, or at any time after Donghyuck had said those cursed words. He can’t face what it would mean, what it was implicating, because it would mean there are more gay people around him, and then he has always known, but also he hasn’t, or he didn’t want to know, he doesn’t-

Jeno splashes his face with ice cold water, so he can pretend like that’s the only reason his face is getting wet. He tries to steady his breathing, but then why is it even like that in the first place? Why is it all so heavy?

A quiet knock on the bathroom door.

“Jeno?” It’s Jaemin’s voice. It sounds different, it doesn’t sound right, it’s never sounded like that to him, even after all they have done. It can’t sound like that, not to him. The voice continues. “Can I come in?”

“What the fuck do you want?” Even his own voice sounds strange, foreign. It can’t belong to him.

“Jeno, please,” it breaks, sounding more vulnerable. It can’t be Jaemin, he isn’t like that, they aren’t like that, none of them are. They are men, they are idols, they just… it isn’t like that.

He thinks back to the start, wonders where it had all gone wrong, when he had lost control.

Then again, he wonders if he’s ever been in control.

“Fuck off!” He can’t even muster up the courage to say the other’s name, afraid to solidify it even more. It’s not right on his tongue, it would taste bitter and wrong, so fucking wrong.

“Jeno, we need to talk- I- We- Let me in, please-” Jeno hates how it sounds, he hates how it’s the same voice as it has always been, the same voice that had praised him when he had been on his knees, and yet it has never sounded more different.

Sobs shake through his body, making him fall to his knees. Hopeless, desperate sounds are coming from the back of his throat, so pure, so raw, and just so  _ lost _ . He has never cried like this before, never this desperately, this overwhelmed and simply gone, out of it, like the world is no longer the world he’s always known. Everything is spinning.

_ Simple. _

The word rings in his ear. There is nothing simple about this. It’s never been.

“I don’t- I will live so- I will- I-”

The door opens. Jeno doesn’t know how, but he knows Jaemin is a man of many skills, so he isn’t exactly phased. Not that he has the mind or energy to be phased, anyways, his body too busy with letting out the most heart wrenching sounds.

_ Wait, oh my God, Jaemin is a man. _

“Jeno, oh my-”

And then Jaemin is on the floor with him, holding him in his arms. Jeno can’t see his face, doesn’t know what the other looks like right now, but he knows it can’t be good from the complete desperation radiating from the younger. He doesn’t have the power to push him away, giving up after a few futile attempts and simply deciding to let himself soak the other’s shirt, unable to do anything else.

“Jeno, it’s okay,” Jaemin doesn’t sound too convinced.

“Jaemin, no!” The name sounds odd, feels odd, all just so, so, so odd. “I can’t be- I- I’d be- No, I want a wife, I want ch- children, I need-” his mouth opens and closes, his mind completely taken over by a million emotions at once.

“I know, Jeno, I know, it’s gonna be okay,” the younger whispers into his hair, sniffling. Jeno can feel it getting wet.

At one point, things got hazy again, and somehow he ended up in Jaemin’s room like that one time many months ago, this time even more loaded with thick air. It’s late, and he’s sleepy from all the full body sobbing, but he knows sleep won’t let him off this easy tonight.

He’s a mess, only realising he’s been drinking water when the glass is suddenly empty, only noticing he’s staring into the light above them when his eyes start to hurt, and only aware that the younger was next to him when he no longer is, having gotten up to get him more water. Guess that sums it all up, all of these past few years.

“Are you feeling better?” A voice speaks, and it’s Jaemin’s again. He takes the glass from the younger, sips the water tentatively, puts it down and goes back to staring at the wall. He doesn’t answer.

“Here,” Jaemin places some dark chocolate in his lap. “I know dark chocolate always makes you feel better.”

He hates this. He’s the one who hurt the younger earlier, he should be the one comforting Jaemin, and yet somehow it always ends up the other way around.

His hand moves before he can tell it to, bringing the chocolate to his mouth and forcing him to take a bite. The bitterness distracts him for a split second, but the again, it still isn’t as bitter as everything else around him.

They sit in silence for a bit, until Jaemin eventually breaks it. 

“I’m just gonna talk, okay? You can listen if you want, but you don’t have to,” he hears the younger say. Jeno just nods silently.

“I know how you’re feeling, believe it or not,” Jaemin starts, running a hand through his hair, “Except I used to feel it for a different reason, being that I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I was quite young, still, probably around ten years old, but then as I got older and was forced to confront myself, there’s one thing I realised, and that’s that whatever irrational things I had come up with, like how I couldn’t have a normal life, how I could never be happy, how if I wasn’t straight I couldn’t possibly go on, all of those things, they were all just that: irrational.” Jeno squeezes his eyes shut, waiting for the other to continue. He feels Jaemin put a hand on his thigh. “Jeno, believe it or not, but your body finds a way to cope with it. Your mind finds a way to make work with what it’s been given, but not by running away or denying it.” Jeno looks up hesitantly, eyes meeting with far more confident ones. “Jeno, you will only feel that relief, power and control, when you confront yourself and accept who you are.” The younger squeezes his thigh lightly. “The only way you could possibly live a life of misery in this situation, is by denying things you kind of already know, because despite what you may think, doing that will not only hurt yourself, but other people around you as well.” Jeno frowns in confusion. Jaemin notices the older’s gears turning in his head, working hard to keep up, so he clarifies. “If you get with someone, deep down knowing but denying that you will never be able to return the love they deserve, then that’s the most miserable thing you can do.” He sees Jaemin smile softly, though his eyes hold powerful intent. “We all have a choice, believe it or not, but it’s not who we love.”

Jeno sits there, eyes slightly unfocused as he looks at the other. He can’t answer, he knows, not right now. He needs time to think.

“Don’t over analyse things, okay?” Jaemin speaks up again, “Try to really just feel.” He squeezes Jeno’s thigh one more time before getting up. “We’ll switch rooms for now. You’ll get more peace here than with the others.” He walks towards the door, ready to leave Jeno be for now. He halts and turns around one last time. “Come to me when you’re ready to talk again, yeah?”

Jeno nods hesitantly, looking down. He wants to say it’s okay, that he can just take his own bed, but this idea seems kind of appealing when he’s feeling like he’ll suffocate if he isn’t surrounded by the younger’s comforting scent. Besides, he knows the others heard everything, all the yelling and the crying, and he can only really handle dealing with that in the morning.

So, after a few more minutes of staring at the wall, he lets himself fall back and closes his eyes, not even bothering to get changed.

  
  
  
  


 

 

The reality of his life hits him once more when Jaemin’s alarm goes off in the morning, signalling it was time to return to his regular everyday life and pretending everything was fine in front of the public. Jeno had almost forgotten that he’s an idol with actual responsibilities outside of his pity personal life.

He shuts his eyes tightly, the thought of seeing the others at breakfast making him want to stay in bed for the rest of his life. He regrets everything he had said to Donghyuck the night before, wanting to die. Jeno has never been good at apologies, and he doesn’t even know where to start with this one, trying to calculate the amount of damage he’s done by adding up the words he previously snapped. He concludes that maths still isn’t his thing.

He gets dressed in something comfortable for the autumn chill. When he looks in the mirror, it still feels surreal, still doesn’t look like Lee Jeno. All he sees is a fragile little boy, and that’s not him.

He walks out of his room, slowly heading towards the kitchen. Renjun is already sitting there, scrolling down his phone with a cup of tea in front of him. He glances up when Jeno enters, his face showing no emotions whatsoever. “Good morning, Jeno.”

“Good morning,” he hears himself mumble. He grabs a bowl and fills it with the first kind of cereal he can find, adding way too much milk. He grabs a spoon and joins the other, staring at the kitchen table while he eats, even though he isn't hungry at all.

Renjun looks back down at his phone. “You gonna be okay for today’s schedules?”

Jeno shrugs. “Don’t have a choice.”

Renjun nods, looking past Jeno to see Donghyuck entering the kitchen as well. As soon as the younger sees Jeno sitting there, he turns back around.

“Hyuck,” Renjun sighs, “Just come eat."

Jeno notices the tension, very aware of how unwanted he is at the moment, so he gets up. “It’s okay.” He forces out a small smile. “I’ll go sit in the living room.”

Renjun opens his mouth to argue, but in the end decides to remain silent, letting Jeno leave. Jeno doesn’t dare look up at any of them, especially not Jaemin, whom he passes on the way to the couch. The younger doesn’t say anything to him either, clearly wanting to give him all the space he needs. It’s something Jeno feels grateful for, but he’s also desperate to be near the other, to have the younger mutter more words of comfort in his ear and tell him how everything’s gonna be okay a million times, over and over, because he can’t produce those thoughts by himself right now. He tries not to think about it, tries to listen to the what the other had said by simply feeling, but right now all he can feel is pain, so he gives up, sitting down on the couch with his head hanging low.

The packed day turned into night again, then the night turned into many more nights, and then before he knows it a week has passed. Jeno has mastered his facade in front of the public eye, putting in all his effort to handle his work professionally, despite the complete and utter despair he’s feeling every single second of every single day. 

He confronts himself at night, when he’s lying in Jaemin’s bed. There’s something so ironic about that, something so strange about sleeping in the younger’s bed right now, the other nowhere to be found when all he wants is to be  _ near _ him. It’s these thoughts that make him realise what the younger had meant by just feeling, because if he stops thinking, just for a moment, and listens to what he really wants, he can. The opinions and expectations of others leave his mind for a few seconds, simply just allowing himself to fee the longing pain for the other boy, but then his mind turns back on, and he starts to overthink it, lets the public’s wants and needs soak into his brain and make him feel like he’s going insane, like he will never get to have what he wants without being miserable.

It’s a slow process, the process of letting everything find its rightful place in Jeno’s mind. One by one, the pieces start to stick together, from Jaemin’s words, to what he’s truly feeling, to the lies he has been feeding himself with for years. All of the puzzle pieces eventually align to form a nearly finished picture, the only thing missing from it being something he hopes the younger will be able to fill in. No longer do the individual pieces make him feel like everything’s a mess, but everything is actually starting to make sense for once. The picture is still blurry, and he’s still not sure if what he’s seeing is truly the truth, but it’s a good start.

After another week, he feels ready to apologise to Donghyuck. He tries to give it his all, taking responsibility for the hurtful and homophobic words he had spoken, and thankfully Donghyuck just accepts it with a smile.

“Jeno, don’t worry, I know you didn’t mean it. I hope you’re okay, you really deserve the best.”

“You too, Hyuck.”

The picture comes into focus more and more the following few days, his spinning head slowly coming to a stop. He allows himself to look at it-  _ forces _ himself not to look away, and what he sees still makes a part of him want to cry, want to run, want to deny it all, but a bigger part of him has just spent too much time trying to get the image like that and is too fucking tired to deal with having to tear it apart again.

Around mid-October, Jeno sits next to Jaemin on the couch. They have finished another day of relatively calm schedules, combined with a lot of practicing for upcoming projects, and are just now back at the dorm. Donghyuck and Mark are at the 127 dorm again to promote Regular, Ten has long moved out to live at a dorm with WayV, and Renjun and Jisung have been allowed to sleep over at Chenle’s place for the night.

“Hey,” Jeno starts, not looking up at the younger.

“Hey.” Jaemin watches him.

Jeno eventually looks up. “I’m-” 

He freezes. He has thought about what he wants to say a million times, but as their eyes meet, all of those previously rehearsed sentences fly out of the window. He just stares dumbly at Jaemin for a few seconds, but he notices the younger doesn’t have a single hint of hostility or impatience in his eyes. It’s kind of comforting.

He waits a few more seconds to gather his thoughts, breaking eye contact to catalyse the process. “I’m sorry,” he mutters out eventually.

Jaemin purses his lips, placing his hand on Jeno’s knee. “Don’t be.”

“No, I am,” Jeno insists, taking a shaky breath. “I was a stupid idiot.”

Jaemin pauses. “So was I.”

Jeno looks up in confusion. “No you weren’t? You didn’t do anything wrong, you… you didn’t fuck up like I did. I was delusional, and you got hurt because of it.”

Jaemin gives him a sad smile. “You seem to have forgotten that it was my idea in the first place.”

Jeno opens his mouth to retort but pauses, closing it seconds after. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Throughout all of his thinking, he has never considered Jaemin’s part in all of this, and it’s true, Jaemin had been the one to initiate it all. His mind tries to place this new-not-so-new information in his nearly finished puzzle, but he’s struggling to understand what kind of piece he’s working with here.

Thankfully, Jaemin seems to notice. “We were both younger back then. I was desperate for something more, and this is what my mind had managed to come up with.”

Jeno strains his brain to think back, back to what Jaemin’s very first words and arguments had been. He looks away, frown still on his face. “But- I’m-” he shakes his head quickly, “Wait, why did you pick me?”

A pause. “Selfish reasons,” Jaemin mutters out guiltily, avoiding eye contact. Jeno waits for the younger to continue with furrowed brows, not having expected for the conversation to start with Jaemin apologising instead of himself. Jaemin sighs. “Back then I had just managed to come to terms with my sexuality…” He eyes the older carefully, but Jeno remains calm. “And so,” he continues, “I wanted to solidify it, wanted to tread the new grounds and discover myself, and you just so happened to be the person I kind of had a crush on…?” he looks away, coughing, “So anyways, I thought ‘why not’, you know?” Jaemin closes his eyes, the memory filling his gut with shame. “It was so selfish and impulsive of me, but I honestly thought you wouldn’t agree to it in the first place.”

Jeno follows the younger’s hand as it leaves his knee, watches as Jaemin runs it through his hair in frustration. Jeno still doesn’t know what to say, but he knows he has to say something. He guesses anything is fine, then, and speaks up. “Jaemin, it was mutually agreed that we would simply use each other selfishly, so it’s not all on you.”

“But that’s the thing,” Jaemin confesses, “I was using you for different reasons than you were using me, so I lied to you just so I could get what I wanted without having to risk our friendship by telling you I kind of liked you.” Jaemin bends forward, arms resting on his knees. “Then it turned into so much more and it got out of hand and now we’re here in this mess, and I don’t know how you feel about me, but I know that all of my feelings right now are still selfish. I straight up manipulated you into doing all of that with me, which is just… another level of fucked up.”

Jeno nods, pursing his lips. When the younger brings it like that, it does sound kind of fucked up, but he hasn’t come here to only listen to Jaemin and not take responsibility for his own part. He’s the one who had thrown the last punch, after all. 

He shifts in his seat. “But did you  _ really _ manipulate me?”

Jaemin frowns, tilting his head. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Jeno fumbles with his fingers, “The excuse was so ridiculous, so clearly bullshit, and yet I’d still managed to convince myself to go along with.” He pauses. “Makes me wonder if we didn’t have the same intentions from the start, just with you knowing exactly what you were doing and me being a very confused sixteen year old Jeno.”

_ Jeno. _ The name is starting to feel less odd on his tongue, more like his own. He’s talking about himself again, and he knows it, just like how his reflection has been looking nearly completely normal for almost an entire week. He can’t say it all feels perfect, but he’s getting there, just needing a final little push.

Jaemin contemplates the other’s words, eyes not leaving Jeno’s. He’s searching for the truth, Jeno realises, searching for the full meaning. “Jeno…” he starts carefully, “Are you… are you less confused now?”

Jeno doesn’t nod immediately, needing time to gather up the courage to actually do so. When he eventually lets his head move up and down, just slightly, a weight instantly gets lifted off of his shoulders, making it that much easier to breathe.

Jaemin eyes him some more, still searching. His eyes are holding hope, Jeno notices. “What are you feeling right now?”

Jeno looks away and thinks. No, he shouldn’t think. Jaemin wants him to feel, so he stops thinking, forces himself to really  _ feel _ . Jeno makes eye contact once more, this time subconsciously opening his gaze, allowing the other to look at the picture he has created.

“I feel…” Jaemin’s gaze is hypnotising him, words coming out on their own accord. “I want to…” Jeno licks his lips, “I want to stop closing myself off from you, from what is obviously there.”

He can’t utter  _ the _ words just yet, can’t say them directly, but Jaemin gets it anyways, giving him a soft, careful smile. “Okay.”

They look at each other. Jaemin is still careful, and Jeno is not entirely comfortable, but they’re somewhere, a place with walls coloured by the tints hope and a beautiful balcony view looking out over the future.

“Can you help me with it?” Jeno whispers after a few minutes of silence, a hint of desperation lacing his voice.

Jaemin places a hand on his thigh, licking his lips and nodding confidently. Jeno follows the movement of Jaemin’s tongue with his eyes as it darts out to wet his lips, subconsciously doing the same. Jaemin’s eyes are glimmering with relief when he looks up.

“Jeno,” he starts hesitantly, not wanting to push any newly founded boundaries. His eyes focus on Jeno’s lips, a hand coming up to cup his jaw. “Can I kiss you?”

Jeno’s heartbeat picks up, the words causing his eyes to gloss over. “Please?”

Jaemin smiles. He presses a kiss to Jeno’s left cheek first, the older letting his eyes flutter close. Jaemin’s lips move to the corner of Jeno’s mouth next, staying there for a few seconds as he hears the other’s breathing become a bit laboured. He takes his time leaning in, feeling no need to hurry. 

After what feels like ages, Jaemin finally closes the gap, making their lips meet at last. Jeno’s shocked, because they feel so familiar, yet so… different? They’re the same lips he’s kissed a thousand times before, the same lips that have roamed every part of his body, and yet it feels like it’s their first kiss. It feels like nothing he’s ever felt before, and Jeno’s mind is a mess of panic, relief and an emotion so pure surely only magic could explain, all fighting for dominance as the younger slowly, gently urges his mouth open.

Jeno is still hesitant, still fighting a mental battle with every soft caress, his thoughts racing with every every little whimper, but he’s getting there, and he smiles against the younger’s lips knowing that he’s there to guide him along, devoted to making Jeno feel comfortable, a promise sealed with a kiss. They have a lot to talk about, but Jeno’s certain that with time and patience, everything will eventually fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is kind of like an epilogue which I will post very shortly
> 
> Leave a kudos and a comment if you want, I really love reading them :) Constructive criticism is very much appreciated as well!!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed!


	3. Epilogue

“Chenle, did you lose my fucking airpods again?!” Jeno accuses, stomping up to the younger.

“No?” Chenle tries, hiding behind a pillow and squealing when Jeno goes in to attack him. “I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me, please!”

Jisung and Renjun are watching the exchange with amusement in their eyes.

“God, I swear to-” Jeno purses his lips, holding himself back. “I told you to immediately put them back this time!”

“Listen, I forgot to take them out when I went back to my place last night, and then they mysteriously disappeared when I woke up this morning!”

“And that’s supposed to be my fucking problem?!”

The door opens and Jaemin enters the dorm, frowning as he takes in the scene in front of him. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s with the hostile vibes here?” he questions, throwing his bag on the ground and shrugging off his coat.

Jeno looks up and pouts. “Chenle lost my airpods again!”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, trying to contain a smile at the other’s childish facial expression. “Is that so?”

“I’m sorry, okay?! It’s not my fault I lost them!”

“It literally is!” Jeno turns to Jaemin again, “You’ll help me get rid of his body, right?”

Jaemin glances over at Jisung and Renjun, the youngest of the two snickering shamelessly as Renjun encourages Jaemin to say “yes” through hand gestures. Jaemin rolls his eyes. “No one’s gonna die. At least, not this quickly after Mark left,” Jaemin winks at Chenle, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s waist from behind. “We still need to prove to him that we’re totally fine without his senior wisdom.”

Jeno feels the younger press a quick kiss to the crook of his neck, his entire heart warming up. Jaemin ignores the fake gagging from Jisung as he pulls away and heads off towards the kitchen, leaving Jeno glowing red like a tomato.

“Any leftovers?” They hear being shouted from the other room.

“Sorry, just finished all of it since I thought you would have enough to eat with Jeno around toni-” A yelp is heard, followed by Donghyuck running out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon just barely missing his head.

“Oh, yes!” Donghyuck moans mockingly with a high pitched tone, “Right there, Jaemin! Fuck!”

“Ya, ya, ya, you little-” Jeno launches at the younger as well, chasing him down the hall as Donghyuck’s laughter rings through the dorm. The younger quickly locks himself in the bathroom, away from Jeno’s wrath.

Jeno bangs on the door aggressively. “You’ll have to come out at one point, Hyuck!”

“Quite ironic you’re telling _me_ to come out, Jenjen,” the voice behind the door snorts, causing Jeno to curse and bang even harder.

Jaemin walks back up to his boyfriend as soon as he has put his food in the microwave, pressing another kiss to the older’s neck. “We’ll get him next time, okay?” He makes sure his voice is quiet enough for Donghyuck not to hear, turning Jeno around by the shoulders to face him. Jeno rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue, leaning up to press a quick peck to the younger’s lips. Jaemin smirks and leans in, his mouth right next to Jeno’s ear. “Besides, it wasn’t like he was wrong.”

“Jesus Christ, I hate all of you,” Jeno groans as he hides his face in the other’s shoulder, feeling it vibrate with amused chuckles.

“Come on,” Jaemin speaks, pulling the other along, “My _other_ food is almost ready.”

Jeno looks up and smiles. Things aren’t perfect between them, of course they aren’t, but they’re moving along pretty steadily.

It had been really rocky at first, with Jeno still having had trouble accepting what he had signed himself up for, what he had admitted to. He had told the girl he had been seeing that they wouldn’t work out, and she had yelled at him that he hadn’t even been good at giving head, anyways. (Which made Jaemin snort.)

Because of all of the stress that had come with it, they had decided to not do anything too intense until Jeno felt absolutely certain about Jaemin and what they were doing. It meant so much more than simply giving and taking pleasure this time, and they wanted to be careful about it. Jaemin had made sure to be there for him during the entire journey, patiently waiting and helping him through his lowest moments.

Jeno had finally dared to go further again on New Year’s Eve, after they had come back from their first ever late night schedules. He had wanted to be all symbolic about it and shit, the “new year new me” kind of stuff, having left the other quite amused but not complaining. They hadn’t gone all the way, considering they both hadn't felt like they were entirely stable enough for it yet, but they had crossed a line that had made what they had a lot more serious, so it was on January the first that they had also decided to officially take on the label of boyfriends and had told the other dreamies about them and their new situation, including Mark.

Mark’s reaction had been kind of awkward, with a clearly forced smile, but he hadn’t said anything else about it, which was all they really could’ve asked for. Renjun had been hesitant about it at first, but when he saw how Jeno had genuinely changed, he could eventually get behind it as well. The others had just been happy to congratulate them, blessing it under the condition that they wouldn’t cause any traumas to bypassers.

(That promise had immediately flown out the window when an injured Donghyuck had dropped by with an unexpected visit to their dorm, having wanted to surprise them. Let’s just say Donghyuck didn’t believe Jaemin had been tying Jeno’s shoelaces.)

Jeno was getting better and better at just turning off his brain and simply feeling, even when he wasn’t around Jaemin. He still felt one edge, of course, afraid that the public would figure it out and his life would be over, but the happiness and complete and utter elation that he felt when he allowed himself to really be with Jaemin was more than worth the feeling of dread that accompanied it.

Now it’s March, which has been quite a busy month for all of them, and they’re all happy to just _chill out_ for a single night.

“How was your last day of recording?” Jeno asks, trying to steal some of Jaemin’s food while they’re seated at the kitchen table.

Jaemin slaps his hand away with a mock angry expression before letting his face erupt in a big grin. “It was great, although I’m a bit sad that it’s over now, of course.”

Jeno nods, smiling as well. “Since it’s over now, I can finally ask: What was it like to act straight for real?” he teases, scooting closer.

“Oh, that was great,” Jaemin muses, smirking.

Jeno raises an eyebrow. “Oh, really, now?”

“Mhmmm…” Jaemin runs a hand through Jeno’s hair, moving to trail it down the side of the older’s face. “Think I’m gonna try out being straight from now on…”

“Yeah?” Jeno licks his lips, “You’re saying you want me to dress up as a girl?”

“I count this as traumatic, hyungs.” Jisung walks into the kitchen, grabbing some soda from the fridge.

Jeno quickly scrambles away from Jaemin, coughing awkwardly as Jaemin just looks at Jisung, a mischievous smirk still on his face.

Jisung rolls his eyes, slamming the fridge door shut. “You two getting together was a mistake, I swear to God,” he mumbles under his breath, retreating from the kitchen without another word.

Jeno hides his face in his hands, groaning. Jaemin looks at him and laughs, the warm sound somehow immediately soothing Jeno’s embarrassment instead of making it worse. God, he’s whipped.

He’s thought about it before, the possibility of being in love with the younger, but every time he had let his mind wander there so far he had been convinced that he hadn’t been there yet. He peeks at Jaemin through his fingers and is met with a big grin and shining eyes, a kind of glow almost seeming to envelop the younger’s body from behind, and suddenly Jeno’s certain that this is what love must feel like.

“Oh my God,” he lets out in a shocked daze.

Jaemin’s laughter stops, replaced by a frown. “What? Is something wrong?”

Jeno snaps out of it, quickly shaking his head. “No, no, everything’s fine!”

Jaemin doesn’t seem entirely convinced but nods anyways, finishing his food before cleaning his plate up. Jeno watches him with glossy eyes the entire time as the realisation washes over him more and more.

Later that night, after having done a lot of stupid games and watching a shitty movie about a robot falling in love with a human, they are the only ones left in the living room. You see, Renjun had forced Jisung to go to his room after eleven, and then when he realised he would be alone with the couple, he just went away as well, not feeling like third wheeling this time around. (The last time had been when they had gotten properly, _legally_ drunk for the first time since becoming adults. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.)

So now the movie has ten minutes left, and Jeno has finally taken his chance to cuddle up close to Jaemin, having refrained from doing so in front of the others. Jaemin smiles fondly as he twirls Jeno’s hair, watching the robot and the human on screen exchange “I love you”s.

Jeno twists his head up to look at him. He wonders if Jaemin loves him, wonders if the younger is waiting for him to say it first as to not make him uncomfortable, or if he just doesn’t love him yet. He frowns, but when Jaemin turns his head to look at him as well, butterflies fill his stomach. He wants to curse at how beautiful the boy in front of him looks.

Jaemin’s eyes become concerned again. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Mhm,” Jeno croaks out, tone higher than usual. “Just a boring movie.”

Jaemin narrows his eyes. “You’re lying. You look like you’re about to combust, that can’t be because of a boring movie.”

“I swear I’m fine,” Jeno insists, throwing him an eye smile to prove his point.

Jaemin sighs, gaze softening. He puts a hand on Jeno’s cheek, brushing it with his thumb. “If you say so…”

Jeno nods, closing his eyes and smiling contendly before he opens them again. He slowly lets them shift lower, staring at the younger’s lips with obvious intent. He glances up again to gauge the other’s reaction.

Jaemin giggles. “The movie isn’t over yet, baby.”

“Does it matter?” Jeno mutters, looking at the beautiful pink petals of plump flesh again. His tongue darts out to wet his own.

Jaemin turns to face him properly, smirking before his eyes flicker down as well. He leans in closer. “Impatient, are we?” he asks with a breathy voice, face mere millimeters away from the older’s. Jeno doesn’t reply, _can’t_ reply, too focused on how close they are to each other, now just simply waiting for the younger to close the gap.

After a few more seconds full of anticipation, Jaemin finally lets their lips meet. It isn’t rushed, just kissing each other like they have all the time in world. Jeno opens his mouth eventually, allowing Jaemin to let their tongues meet and play together lazily. Even after all these months - years, even - kissing never gets old. Jaemin’s hand slides down from his cheek to his shoulder, then to his arm, and then eventually settles on Jeno’s waist. Jeno’s own hands come up to wrap around the younger’s neck, toying with the little hairs at the nape. He feels Jaemin bite down on his lower lip gently, making him let out a whimper from the back of his throat. The kiss heats up, and Jaemin’s other hand lands on Jeno’s knee, squeezing it carefully before moving up to his inner thigh.

Jeno breaks away, panting slightly. “Can we go to your room?”

Jaemin simply nods, wasting no time in pushing himself off the couch and picking the older up bridal style. Jeno yelps, arms around the other’s neck tightening to save himself from falling to the ground. Jaemin basically runs to his room - or well, it has kind of become _their_ room at this point - and opens the door as quickly as possible with another human being in his arms, kicking it shut as soon as they have successfully made it inside, not even bothering to turn on the light.

He throws Jeno on the bed, crawling on top and instantly reconnecting their lips. Jeno moans as the other gives him no time to catch his breath, a hand already palming him through his jeans. He hears the other flick the switch of the lamp on his bedside table, lips moving to Jeno’s jaw to flutter it with small kisses before they eventually find his neck. He’s careful not to leave any marks as he bites the skin softly, hand stopping its previous motions to unbutton the older’s jeans instead.

Jaemin pulls away and sits back, letting Jeno help him take his shirt off before moving to do the same to him. The dim lighting makes everything feel so much more romantic, illuminating their bodies perfectly. Jeno feels cold hands roam his body as soon as his upper half is bared, making him shiver as lips latch onto one of his nipples.

“Fuck,” he groans out, ecstasy clouding his mind.

Jaemin moves his lips to let them pay attention to the other nipple, one hand moving to the other’s clothed dick once more. He lets it slip under the first layer of fabric, rubbing Jeno through his boxers. Jeno groans and pulls him back up by his jaw, forcing their lips together. He loves feeling like his body is being worshipped, loves feeling so cared for. It’s so overwhelming, how suddenly he’s so positively sure he’s in love with the younger it almost hurts. Jeno wants to show it, wants to feel like he completely belongs to Jaemin, wants to prove it.

“Jaemin,” he breathes out into the younger’s mouth, pulling away to look at him with glossy eyes.

“Yes, baby?” Jaemin asks, looking as affected as Jeno feels.

He hesitates, incredibly aware of what his next words would mean for the both of them. “Can we..?”

Jaemin’s eyes darken for a single second before they turn soft. “Are you sure, Jeno?”

He nods confidently, pecking the other’s lips to seal it as a promise. Jaemin shoots him a bright smile and reconnects their lips properly, pouring all of himself into the kiss. Jeno’s hands run over the smooth skin of the younger’s back, arching his own when lips start nibbling right above his collarbones. One of Jaemin’s hands starts tugging at the waist band of Jeno’s jeans, struggling to pull them down. Jeno helps him by lifting his lips, wrapping his hands around the other’s neck for leverage. He’s breathing heavily, nervously anticipating what’s about to happen next.

As soon as his pants are finally gone and his boxers have come off with them, Jaemin sits back, eyes roaming over the completely naked figure underneath him. Jeno can imagine he looks like a mess, with his cheeks being flushed, drops of sweat lying on his forehead, and his chest moving up and down rapidly. Whatever Jaemin sees, he clearly likes it, if the lustful eyes and big grin are anything to go by.

“I’m so lucky,” he lets out huskily, watching Jeno in fascination.

Jeno groans when the younger still doesn’t move. “For fuck's sake, can you do something? Anything?”

Jaemin chuckles and moves to trail kisses down the older’s stomach. Jeno gasps when he feels a hand wrap around his cock, his own hand coming up to cover his mouth, just barely able to stop a loud moan from echoing through the room around them. Jaemin’s lips end up pressing against the inside of Jeno’s thighs, and as his mouth moves closer and closer to the desired place, Jeno starts to panic.

“D- Don’t-” Jeno quickly sits up a slightly, “Please, or I won’t last.”

Jaemin pulls away with a smirk, shaking his head in disapproval. “Really, Jeno?”

“Shut up,” Jeno grumbles, pulling Jaemin down by the neck and making their lips meet once again. He opens his mouth immediately and happily welcomes the other’s tongue, the sound of a belt buckle being undone making his mind fill with shaky excitement. All of these noises have been heard before, all of this stuff has been done before, it’s just the thought of what is about to come that makes his entire body erupt in goosebumps, a feeling of overwhelming love threatening to make him go insane.

A few moments later and Jaemin’s pants and boxers are accompanying the other clothes somewhere on the floor, leaving the both of them completely naked. They’re still kissing passionately, Jeno’s hand moving to stroke Jaemin’s dick as the other does the same to him.

“Do you have any lube?” Jeno asks breathily as he breaks the kiss, moving to the younger’s jaw.

Jaemin groans as Jeno’s thumb brushes over the head of his dick, nodding and quickly reaching over to open the top drawer of his nightstand. Jeno opens his eyes and watches the younger pull out a small, purple bottle, making his heartbeat pick up speed.

Jaemin stops Jeno’s hand from stroking him, staring into the older’s eyes with a serious expression. “You’re still sure?”

“I am,” Jeno confirms, smiling softly.

“Okay,” Jaemin whispers, smiling back before his lips once again find themselves on Jeno’s neck, said boy whimpering as his tongue darts out to wet the skin. Jeno hears the bottle cap being opened and his mind becomes hazy, nerves shuddering through entire body. Soon enough there’s a finger tracing around his entrance, and he blanks, head spinning. Jaemin pulls away to gauge the other’s reaction, and Jeno impatiently signals for the other to continue. The boy above him doesn’t once tear his eyes away when Jeno feels a finger push in slowly, making him gasp. He pulls the other back down, not able to handle the intense stare right now. They kiss sweetly as Jaemin carefully pushes his finger in further, knuckle eventually preventing him from going deeper. Jeno whimpers into the kiss. Despite all that they’ve done before, he’s never been fingered, never having wanted to go that far. All he can say is that it feels strange. No, actually, it feels really fucking odd. It doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t feel pleasant, either.

After a bit of moving around, Jaemin introduces a second finger, only allowing the first digit to slip in. Okay, Jeno definitely feels more of _something_ with that one, although it still doesn’t hurt like he thought it would’ve. Jaemin peppers kisses on his face, a hand moving down to wrap around Jeno’s dick as he adds another digit. Jeno doesn’t understand why the younger is telling him it will stop hurting eventually until the second fingers bottoms out, a slight sting shooting through his lower back. He hisses, biting down on his lower lip hard when Jaemin start scissoring him. Yeah, okay, it definitely hurts a bit more now.

Jaemin pecks his lips. “Are you okay?”

Jeno nods his head quickly, although his tightly squeezed shut eyes are telling a different story. Thankfully, Jaemin doesn’t stop and just flutters more tiny kisses all over the older’s face, muttering comforting words. Despite the sting, Jeno revels in how Jaemin is treating him with so much care, kissing him with every small movement, not rushing anything and just generally making sure to distract him by jerking him off simultaneously. Damn, Jaemin sure as hell was good at multitasking.

“I’m gonna add another finger, okay? A final one.”

All Jeno can do is nod again, his entire body tensing up. Jaemin notices as he prods the third finger at his hole.

“Relax,” he says, his smile comforting, “It’ll hurt less that way, I promise.”

So Jeno does, putting in all of his still present brain power to make himself relax for the other. As soon as Jaemin feels the tight muscle stop clenching around his fingers, he gently lets the third finger join them, stretching Jeno out even more. Jeno squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, his only thoughts being _relax, relax, relax._ Turns out it’s pretty hard to relax with three fingers up your ass.

Jaemin makes sure to go extra slow with this one, noticing the pretty clear discomfort on the other’s face.

“I can’t believe we’re really doing this,” Jeno croaks out, forcing his eyes to open and look at the younger above him. “I’ve- ah- I’ve waited for this moment ever since I was, like, twelve.” Jaemin twists his fingers around, causing the other to grit his teeth. “Although I’m not sure I imagined it quite like this.”

Jaemin giggles, leaning in to nibble at the other’s earlobe. “You didn’t imagine your fellow twelve year old and best friend Na Jaemin fingering your ass?”

“Oh my God, it sounds even worse when you say it like- Oh, _fuck_!” Jeno lets out a very lewd moan, eyes widening as his hand shoots up to cover his mouth before another one can follow it.

Jaemin pulls his lips away from the other’s ear and observes Jeno, proud grin finding its way on his face. “Found it?”

Jeno pulls his hand away from his mouth, amazed expression on his face. “Holy shit, do that again, what the fuck.”

Jaemin smirks and kisses him, all teeth and tongue as he moves his fingers around again, looking for that certain spot. It doesn’t take long before Jeno lets out another moan into his mouth, this time more controlled than the first.

Whatever the younger is doing, it feels fucking fantastic, and he wants to protest when the fingers start slipping out, leaving him clenching around nothing. “What-”

“Shh, you’re gonna love the next part.”

Jeno feels the hand on his cock go away as well, leaving him with absolutely nothing. He whines desperately. “I’m not liking this at all right now, why did you stop?”

“Patience, baby,” Jaemin shushes him, pecking his lips before he steadies himself with a hand next to Jeno’s head. Jeno hears some slick sounds, but his brain can’t function from the intense pleasure he’s just experienced, so he can’t be quite sure what the hell the other is doing. The only thing still working is his dick, and his dick is _not_ happy right now.

That’s until he notices something bigger poke at his entrance.

“Holy shit, wait-” Jeno’s eyes widen, “That’s not gonna- Wait-”

“It is, don’t worry,” Jaemin reassures, “It’s just gonna hurt a bit at first, but then you’ll feel great, I promise.” Jaemin kisses his cheek before looking down, focusing on what he’s doing. Jeno’s eyes follow, widening even more.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod-”

Jaemin pauses and looks up in concern. “Do you want to stop?”

Jeno seriously contemplates the thought, but then he remembers how Jaemin’s fingers had hurt as well and the extreme pleasure that had followed shortly after. “I- No?”

“I need you to be one hundred percent sure, Jeno,” Jaemin says sternly but still sweetly, caressing his cheek. The caring look in Jaemin’s starry eyes makes him want to start yelling with how much he loves the younger, but he bites the words back, choosing to nod instead as a shaky breath leaves his lips.

“I’m sure,” he cranes his neck to press a soft kiss against Jaemin’s lips, “I trust you.”

Jaemin’s eyes soften even more, an expression in them that mirrors the love Jeno feels for him. Jeno can’t believe how lucky he is to have the other, to have Na Jaemin out of _all_ people be his boyfriend. Nothing in him is screaming, no voices are telling him to stop in the back of his head, his body feels so alive and so completely and utterly _his_.

“Then I’m gonna continue, okay?”

Jeno nods firmly, once more focussing on simply relaxing. When the younger’s cock presses against his entrance again, he holds his breath in anticipation. _Relax_ . His eyes squeeze shut as he feels the head enter. _Relax._ He’s vaguely aware of Jaemin whispering words of encouragement next to his ear, vaguely aware of kisses being peppered over his face, vaguely aware of everything but the pain as Jaemin presses in further. He bites into Jaemin’s shoulder, hard. _Relax, relax, relax_.

It seems to take ages until the younger is bottomed out, and Jeno finally releases the breath he’s been holding, now panting hard to compensate. He opens his eyes and sees Jaemin groan softly, face twisted up in pleasure. Warmth fills his chest at the thought of the other feeling like that, even though he himself wants to start bawling his eyes out from how much it hurts. He only realises tears are actually falling when the other wipes one away, looking at him in concern.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Y- Yeah,” he forces out, eyes shot wide open in shock at this point, “Just- fuck, just give me a sec.”

Jaemin nods, moving his hand to start stroking Jeno’s cock again and leaning down to kiss the older passionately- basically trying everything he’s able to find in his idea cabinet to distract the boy beneath him.

“Holy shit,” Jeno moans against his lips, realisation hitting him more and more with every passing second. “You’re _inside_ me, fuck, what the fuck?”

Jaemin laughs shakily, his eyes blown out with desire and slight disbelief when he pulls away. “I know right?”

“I’m losing my virginity to _the_ Na Jaemin,” he says, an amazed smile on his face as the pain starts to lessen, “The main subject of so many teenage girls’ wet dreams.”

“And I’m fucking _the_ Lee Jeno, who’s definitely never been in a bottom in any of the fanfics I’ve read.”

Jeno’s eyes widen. “You’ve read-” Jaemin grins, causing Jeno to slap his arm with a frown, “What the fuck?!”

“I was curious!” Jaemin exclaims, laughing at the offended expression on the older’s face. “It was that or porn, and reading about you definitely seemed way more appealing.”

“You’re disgusting,” Jeno groans, hands coming up to slide down his face in embarrassment.

“He says with a dick up his ass.”

“Fuck off, oh my God.”

He notices how the pain has almost completely subsided and peeks at Jaemin through his fingers. He catches the younger looking at him with admiration and lust in his eyes, and his own expression softens once more, making him want to curse from how whipped he is. He pulls the smug face back down for yet another open-mouthed kiss, their tongues meeting immediately. Jeno can’t help but let some of his love slip into the mix, as well.

“Move,” he orders into Jaemin’s mouth, his hands once again moving to wrap around the younger’s neck. Jaemin complies without complaint, pulling back the tiniest bit before pushing back in. The sting is back straightaway, but it’s definitely more bearable than before. Jeno just keeps concentrating on kissing, on Jaemin’s hand on his dick, on the way Jaemin feels beneath his own hands. He doesn’t feel any kind of physical pleasure from the actual sex yet, but the feeling of them being connected like this and the slight noises coming from the back of the younger’s throat above him are enough to already make it completely worth it.

Jaemin repeats this a few times, not pulling out more than a few centimeters at a time. Jeno appreciates the clear effort Jaemin is putting in to hold back from going for it completely so he makes sure he doesn’t hurt him. It makes Jeno’s heart flutter, the mental pleasure having never been more intense than this.

Jaemin breaks the kiss. “Fuck, this feels so good,” he pants, looking down to watch himself disappear into Jeno. He groans out and starts moving faster, eyes glancing up again to meet Jeno’s, nothing but fascination, lust and love dancing around in them.

Jeno whimpers, pain slowly but surely subsiding as the younger picks up pace. It’s so intense, so amazing, so full of _everything_. As a young teen he had always imagined it to be about purely physical pleasure, to be more about becoming a man and less about connecting with someone, no big deal, but nothing could compare to the completely and utterly overwhelming mental enrapturement he’s feeling. And he’s okay. He’s Lee Jeno, and he loves Na Jaemin, and that’s totally fine. It feels like that’s how it’s supposed to be, no other possible outcome.

Jaemin starts moving even faster, even harder, the sound of skin slapping against skin ringing through the bedroom. Jeno moans, wrapping his legs around the other’s waist to give him a better angle, and _boy_ is he glad he did that.

“Fuck!” Jeno as much as screams out, eyes widening, “There! Please- fuck- don’t you dare stop- ah-”

Jaemin’s eyes turn glossy as he watches the older’s face get washed over with pure ecstasy. “Holy shit, you’re so beautiful.”

Jeno meets his eyes, immediately moaning again at the intense emotions flowing around in them. He wants to curse at the other, tell him to stop being cheesy, to stop making him blush, but who is he kidding, he isn’t going to complain right now when the pure love of it all makes everything feel so much better. The three words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to get blurted out in the heat of the moment, but they get cut off by another moan as Jaemin hits that spot again.

“Oh my _God_ ,” Jeno whimpers, nails scratching the other’s back, probably doing some serious damage. The pleasure is so overwhelming, so completely and utterly devouring. It feels so good, so, so good.

Jaemin’s hips snap forward repeatedly, desperate moans coming out from his mouth. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” His head falls on Jeno’s shoulder, teeth grazing at the skin there. He pulls his hand off of Jeno’s dick, propping himself up with both arms to put in all of his energy, moving faster and faster, going deeper and deeper and _deeper_ . Jeno’s ankles dig into the small of his back, and it just feels _so incredible_. The bed is probably having difficulty keeping up at this point, even hitting the wall every now and then, something the others are definitely able to hear, but they don’t care, it doesn’t matter, nothing matters but this right now.

Jeno feels the pleasure build up in his lower stomach, his mind slowly but surely giving in. “Jaemin, I’m-” He gets interrupted by another moan, mouth opened as Jaemin slams in even harder. He has to force himself to concentrate on making the words come out. “I’m so close.”

“Me too,” Jaemin grunts out into Jeno’s neck, lifting his head to watch the older. He’s quick to wrap a hand around Jeno’s dick again, jerking him off whilst simultaneously pounding into the other even faster, if that’s even possible. Jeno feels his eyes roll back at the double stimulation, Jaemin repeatedly hitting his prostate without failure.

The pleasure is becoming too much, too overwhelming, making him see stars as his eyes roll back. The feeling is starting to take over completely, and when Jaemin bites into the skin of his neck, he lets it envelop him fully, shamelessly moaning one last time before the sound gets caught in his throat. His back arches up from the mattress, his body spasming as his orgasm washes over. He squeezes his eyes shut, nothing but bliss on his mind, as well as a silent chant of _Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin_.

He swears he blacks out for a few seconds, but his eyes open just in time to see Jaemin’s face twist in intense pleasure as well, feeling him fill up his body with all he had to offer. Jeno hears his own name somewhere in the mix of curse words and groans as the other rides out his own orgasm.

Both are panting heavily as they take a moment to regain their senses, their ability to think actual thoughts again. Their eyes meet, and Jeno swears that whatever ‘gay people will never go to heaven’ talk so many people carry with them is so far from the truth, because the look in Jaemin’s eyes is telling him he’s in heaven right now.

They stare at each other, and Jaemin’s face erupts into a big, blissed out grin.

“Hi.”

Jeno’s chest is moving up and down rapidly, a glowing smile gracing his features.

“Hi.”

Jaemin looks down at the mess they made and sighs. “I don’t want to pull out.”

Jeno laughs, a warm and elated sound. “You kind of have to.”

“Do I have to, though?” He pouts. “Can’t we just fall asleep like this?”

Jeno scrunches up his nose. “You’re gross, get out of me.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes in mock annoyance. “Fine.” He pulls out, causing Jeno to gasp at the sudden emptiness. “I’ll go get us a wet towel. You just wait here, yeah?” He leans in to kiss Jeno languidly for a few more seconds before getting up and running off to the bathroom.

Jeno whimpers as his hole flutters around nothing, the feeling of cum leaking out of his ass not exactly being the most pleasant one on earth. Thankfully, the younger returns within seconds, carrying a soft, pink towel with him. He crawls back on the bed, moving to wipe Jeno’s chest. After a few seconds of enjoying the warm, soft fabric brushing over his abs, Jeno feels the towel come in contact with something lower, making him hiss out.

Jaemin smiles guiltily. “Sorry.”

“You better be,” Jeno mutters, his face scrunched up until Jaemin is finally done and throws the towel to the ground. Jeno scoots over automatically, the younger wasting no time in letting his body flop down next to him and pulling the warm covers over both of their naked figures. Jaemin moves up to turn off the light, but not before making sure to shoot Jeno another big grin, said boy smiling back contendly. The younger pulls Jeno close as soon as the room turns dark, and Jeno has never felt happier than this.

They’re facing each other, breaths mingling together, and Jeno feels so overwhelmed by it that he just has to say it, he just has to-

“I love you.”

He frowns, the voice not having been his own. His eyes have gotten adjusted to the darkness enough that he can see the other’s eyes sparkle, and he realises in his sleepy, blissed out haze that it had been Jaemin who had said the words. He smiles, rubbing their noses together. Or at least, he really hopes it had been the younger who had said them, otherwise his next words would be incredibly embarrassing.

“I love you, too.”

He sees Jaemin smile.

“I know, baby.”

“Shut up.”

And all of it feels so right, so perfect. He feels lips meet with his once more, just slightly, but definitely present. They belong there, on his lips. _His_ lips. _Lee Jeno’s_ lips, because he’s Lee Jeno, and right now he feels more like his true self than he’s ever done before.

Loving Jaemin may not have been what he had wanted, but it had been what he had needed, and right now, in the other’s soft embrace, lips on lips, he could’ve never imagined a life without him by his side, without him to love. He doesn’t know what the future will bring, how they’re supposed to hide it if it lasts, but right now it’s all he could’ve ever wished for.

So complex, yet so incredibly _simple_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god this was so much but if felt so soft whilst writing this last chapter uwu
> 
> im usually not one to write cheesy shit bc i cant take myself seriously, but this was so UWU and i hope you all discovered the magic of Bottom Jeno™ if you hadn't already
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed it :) it was a lot of fun to write


End file.
